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{ your AIM sn is } ---> breakbeat ANThem [06-26-19@2:51PM ]



♪ ...Me, I'm a Creator. Thrill is to make it up... ♪
THE RULES I BREAK GOT ME A PLACE UP ON THE RADAR

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OOC... [11-16-18@5:02PM ]

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This shit right here.. [11-21-09@8:11PM ]
[ mood | destructive ]
[ music | I Wanna Rock ]

(  Today's message sponsored & approved by A. Rodgers: I. DO. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK.  )
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{ Blackberry • TOUR™ • UD }---> When a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever... [10-18-09@2:42AM ]
[ mood | bath time-mode ]
[ music | The Blueprint LP ]:[ Jay-Z ]

Been listenin' to camel face's discography lately. From RD to BP3. Nothin bad or good to say really. Just wanted to note it. Wanted to study the production from one disc to the next. What I felt was lackin' to what I felt was strong and inspirational. I ain't care much for his lyricism really besides some cuts on his later work. I will say RD and BP are my favorite ones to listen to on repeat. I liked a few from Vol. 2, Vol. 3. BP overall was hella chill. That was Kanyeezy's big break as gettin' production cred I think. I also think he produced The Takeover. The takeover, the breaks over nigga. God emcee, me J-hova... BP 2 had some cuts on there I fucks with. I didn't like the Watcher II though. Dayum there was one on there I was feelin' hella hard. Can't recall the name but it some storytellin' that got me. The Black album I never liked but listenin' to it now, it was kinda solid. I never bothered with Kingdom Come. The dynasty album...eh. American Gangsta was...hmm. I only liked two offa that. Sweet, and Ignant Shit. That was my shit cause of the Isley brother's sample. BP3 ...I was hella disappointed. Really. Production wise mostly cause I didn't care what he was talkin' bout. I felt like one song brought me chills and that was the openin' track. That shit..goes hella hard. Run This Town is a fuckin' dope beat. Catchy as fuck but eh. Ex pon de fo'head out and sharpen up Camel face's verse? Beastin'. Didn't No ID do that? I wanna meet him. Young Guru too. Why couldn't he hook up with Just Blaze again? Timbo, Swizz cheese, and some others...ain't doin' nathen for me musically right now. Like their shit ain't inspirin'. Same fucking' drums. Same sound it seems and if its different? Sounds hella dull. Content. I wish they would go back to basics..where it all didn't sound the same. Their kits were distinguishable but had that signature to know it was them. Though I like to thank them personally for slackin'. That pushes me to elevate my level. Leave a comfort zone, and be pointed as that bitch who made moves by bein' fearless. Tryin' new sounds and evolving' to the point that my shit will be better than their current catalog. If I had that one chance...BP3 would've been hella soulful but at the same time be drawn in with current musical trends. But I'm not that cocky, though I wanna be.

There's other folks I study too. J Dilla. Some Eric Sermon. DJ Premiere. Alchemist is hella dope. Organized noise, homie. Danger Mouse I like. JD is like a mentor and prolly made money offa his music alone. DJ Muggs?! Hi-Tek fool!? Fuckin' Sweet Jones aka. Pimp C. Oh lordy. Salaam Remi? Q-Tip. Mannie Fresh gets cred. RZA. Gahlee. I love his style. J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League is fucking' dope. Dre of course but his current shit is ehhh. DJ Quik! Kanye was always an influence but his style changed up. Sped up soul samples with some drums were easy shit but he had a certain way to it. Hav' from Mobb Deep is hella chill. 9th Wonder. Shock G. The Hitmen which is Diddy's team. A secret noboddie knows is that I kinda ghost produced for some shit on his new album... Can't forget about Pixie and Chad..eh. I'm kinda off put by them. Sometimes they weak and others not. When they make records for N.E.R.D? Man...they go hard on some different shit. But I wanna have a lil discussion about this contribution on Shakira's She Wolf album. That..yeah it goes. I could name more but ya'll prolly like...``What the fuck she know?`` Plenty. Its something that has to be done cause no matter how much shine you get, always gotta look at it as bein' a student of this. I feel like that's how it should be. Guess I'm goin' off tangent from what was suppose to be chopped up about. As my ears have been listenin' to Camel face, I also been lookin' at folks first's. Then those records that gained critical acclaimed. The College Dropout, Be by Common, The Tipping Point by the Roots, Reasonable Doubt, Illmatic, Doggystyle, and the list goes on. I used Camel face as an example since his shit is expansive but he ain't my favorite rapper. Not even close to bein' in my top twenty..take back he around there somewhere. But one of my favorites I grew up with. Hell the other favorite never got the chance to make his first album. If he did then prolly it would've spoke to folks. Anyone that was in some kinda struggle would've felt it. I know I would have. Then just like I've been listenin' to Camel face's shit, I've been listenin' to Hector's as well. I prolly got alla his recordings even rare mixtapes my brother used to play alla time.

Preserve those, yanno? Can't find those anywhere. And I'm not tryin' to dick ride or no shit like that just speakin' from what I know rather what I would be fed. I'm kinda curious as to what his next move would be and if it can slap the taste outta folks mouths once that iPod or disc changer is set to play. Imagine that? Prolly a bad thing tryin' to compare the two fools cause Jay is on some different level. Can't explain it really but what if this ma'fucka jumped to such a level? Just a thought.

(  Picture all the possibilites. Picture all the possibilities..Sounds like a love song...  )

I think it's time that I get out the tub but don't feel like it. Shriveled fingers and shit. Ever thought about sinkin' for a minute and then comin' up for air? I tried that a few times and got my hair wet. This hair is pricey as fuck, what I look like gettin' it wet? I don't really care that's why. I'ma just not deal with the extentions, and wear it natural again. Prolly cut it shorter, like Britney Spears short. Naw, what's that broad's name? Amber Rose short. Take back. My headshape is weird so no. Yanno what I'm gonna do though? Call everyboddie I know to see how they doin'. Take up alla their time cause it's fun doin' it. Prolly heat up this pizza and sit outside and eat it. I should call to see how my dogs are doin', but eh. Whoever wanna bring me housewarmin' gifts I need that in dollar donations. Just an excuse for me to pay out this rent. Back to listenin' to Camel face and see where this takes me. Aww shit. Yanno what song hit's right now? This cut Kia did. I'm not sure it'll make the album or not but Jesse did a good fuckin' job arrangin' it. I feel that Kia wrote to it perfectly too. Lemme sing this right quick. Ahem. Ooooh I gotta be out my mind to think it’s gonna work this time. A part of me wants to leave, but the other side still believes. And it kills me to know how much I really love you. So much I wanna ooh ooh ooh. To you hoo hoo... Lemme stop. Hopefully I won't fall asleep in here but I do wanna get back on to DJ Hero soon. Don't hate that I got a hook up. I'm peaced out.

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Its a cold world no blanket, homie [09-29-09@10:56PM ]
[ mood | more losses than wins ]
[ music | Revelry ]:[ Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon ]

Sometimes I don't understand my strengths and weaknesses but there's enough to shift through. I could be in a worse position than I am now but I don't get how sometimes I'm able to get past some shit. Tuck it all back like it ain't nothing' but honestly its always something I think on or how it effects the way I feel. Lettin' it put me on a wrong road is usually a possibility cause I'm human. My homegirl joked and called me superhuman but I doubt that. Doubt a lot of things but I should say how blessed I am to be able to walk, breathe, talk shit, and shit on folks for the hell of it. I only do that if I get hated on....that's prolly 99% of the time. I was gonna quote Camel face but I'll leave that for another episode. That's what life is like. Same show different episode. Then the reruns you wanna avoid sometimes unless you learn from it. When you do, and are able to move onto a better episode then you're in good money. One part that folks should include in their show is givin' back. I know folks with little of nothin' and they make sure that others less fortunate are in better places if only its for a small amount of time. Some do it cause they got it in them. By givin' back it could be through funds, or actual helpin' hands. Mentorin'. I'm more of a hands on person. Ehh besides I got no choice. Beats goin' to jail and havin' to be someone's bitch. I'm too small for that but I bet I'd fight them dykey ass bitches like its my last. Been back on my grind at the Boys & Girls club. At least ten to twenty hours a week if I'm lucky goes to volunteering' there. Kinda been doin' it at one point but stopped cause of various circumstances. They put me onto this food drive that went down last Friday. Asked me if I would be down with hostin' it and speaking' to the participants plus the members about how important volunteerism and givin' back was to the communities around us. I was hella nervous to do it cause what I got to chop it up about to them folks? It turns out no matter who's who, someone is lookin' up to you. Guess my time I put in is bein' looked at by this organization as well as the kids I usually interact with. It felt hella good havin' the chance to contribute that day by feedin' some folks who were in need, yanno? Not to mention....I got to meet mafuckin' AC Slater Mario Lopez. Don't act like ya'll don't know who that is.

(  GBCA community food drive & shit  )

He ain't no Antonio Sabato Jr. But gah-fucking-lee. His dimples.....that shit murked me on the inside cause...I tried to be serious and eehh professional..hell I tried to act proper and sadiddy. Failed. Couldn't speak right, no kinda act right for the zero-nine. If I had one night.... My bust. He was chill though. Kept laughin'. Prolly was laughin' at me rather than with me cause of the shit on my head. Why my lil sis said I looked like a poodle? That shit hurt. Eh anyways I ain't gonna jive and say he gave me his digits cause that's not true. Them blogs be lyin' on me on some real shit. The best part of it all was my lil sis was able to witness and even learn a thing or two of this shit I be apart of. She's been the givin' type and that made her want to do more in our old hood. I'm hella proud of her that she's startin' to morph into this young lady who already sees her potential. Eleven and she don't seem like it. Well beyond her years. Its hella frightenin' and at the same time I know she gonna go further than I ever would have. When she's more than old enough I wanna sit her down and explain some challenges she might face along the way. Maybe in her adult years, cause I already got a feelin' bout that. Especially if it pertains to the male species. I don't want her to ever lose her focus, and more importantly herself. Cause when you lose yourself for someone else and not get anything in return but a fucked up mental and view of yourself, then you shit out of luck. Worse it might take you a long taxin' journey to get yourself back. Ask me how the fuck I know. I want her to also know that it ain't always one sided. Sometimes females gotta own up to some shit as well. I think her examples aren't the best ones besides her step mom but I don't know that broad like that. Since Mommy is gone and the only other females she got as examples is Sam, and myself. Prolly toss in Auntie Tique as well. Bad choices on all accounts. Ask...me...how...I know. I hope I can show her what to look out for and what not to do given what the situation is. Then on one hand she might gotta go it alone.

One thing I really don't want for her is to have false happiness. Cause that ain't a good feelin' after findin' out that it wasn't real in the end. I hope she'll just worry about school and her goals. That's it but I know that won't happen. She'll be boy crazy...and if one of them rock headed havin' ass ma'fuckas step the wrong kinda way, and I find out about it? It's a wrap. I'm bustin' skulls on some real shit. Ask about that cause it wouldn't be the first time. Eh lemme stop. Violence is not the answer. I've been holdin' these deep ass convos with Mito whenever we hit up the stu'. He usually got an answer for everything I ask and don't care what he be sayin', whether its offensive or not. Gotta respect his opinion and where it comes from though. I asked him had he ever felt like he hurt someone in anyway, or had been done wrong. Then I asked if he was ever in a situation where he felt that it was one thing special but in the end it was nothin', like it didn't exist. Make believe. Merely a dream. The shit he said was hella unexpected even if it was not relatable. Right now there really ain't the amount of words for me to chime on that sine my head is somewhere it shouldn't but it is. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbled.

(  Privy  )

It's been a minute tryin' to write things but I normally do it everyday. Not just on here for folks to see. I have a few notebooks, sketchbooks, and what have you to get the points I come across down in that moment. I'm not really a fan of livin' in the moment but at times you really don't have choice cause that's how life throws it's curve balls at you. We catch 'em and go with it, miss 'em, or get tagged up by 'em. This shit about the genesis of the soul, I ain't really with it like that now. It's kinda bogus if you think about it but maybe that's me bein' negative at the moment. My bust. I think I'll be out in San Diego til' Friday, then head back home to lax. I got a lot of projects, and things of that nature to focus on. That I should be thankful for since I can do these things. One person who told me some shit, had me thinkin' about how far I came. Real shit. I think he knows this so I won't say it again. That right there is done for more than just myself. It's bein' done for my brother who can't see me from only up above, and of course the big homie who made a lotta shit possible. I just wanna make folk proud, him included cause I know it means much when you got those that believe you can be this force to be reckoned with. I hope he reaches a good place in his heart as well. Real up. I'ma need to go hit the studio, and practice this music for the show comin' up. Hella hyped but nervous. Don't wanna disappoint Kia's fans and mess her whole set up. Prolly get kicked out the venue if I do. Eh my bust. Think positive and leave it up to the Big homie. How long these fools been out? Cause this record goes for some reason. Yooooooooooooou, your sex is on fire...Consumed with what's to transpire.... If your sex is on fire...what does that mean exactly? Is it that good, or...does that mean you actually burnin'? Eh I don't know but that's my shit right now. I need a vacation soon. Real soon. I'm thinkin' bout the Caribbean or some island. Prolly snatch a few folk up for that one or just go by myself. Who knows? All I know is that I need to dip, eat, and work. I'm peaced out.

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{ BlackBerry • bold • UD }---> Beach Bummassery [07-16-09@2:47PM ]
[ mood | Wish list: Koi pond & face ]
[ music | Goodbye - Wale ft. Jean Grae ]

While everyone's on Wheelchair Jimmy's dick, I fucks with Wale. Been zonin' to his mixtapes for some reason and boy can spit. A lotta folk don't look at 9th Wonder as one of those producers either but his cuts and compositions are what I attempt at goin' for. And..I've just been goin' left field with everything musically. Guess it shows in my inspiration as well. That all comes with the shit I've been goin' through in the past coupla weeks. Guess this is a quickie and a last one for awhile. I got some steps to take that's more important than what folk might think is important. I tried to tell myself yesterday while in the lab that all I had was beatmakin' left as something to gravitate towards when people wasn't it. And really that's not it either. Really all you have is yourself. Even thought that by attemptin' to focus on projects, and even this collaborative production company, I couldn't put my all into it. Not when gettin' self back to a steady space was more important than anything else. { Shameless plug: Aerial Landing ENT. presents - Born To Soar | serial# 00001 mixtape. } Plug over. A'ight, I'm okay but not okay still. And that's just something to work on. That is known. Can't really focus on anything or anyone else when you yourself ain't all that great so I apologize in advance if it looks like a broad is flakey. Don't knock me for shit. Wish I didn't have to be transformed into this hollowed out shell. It's not really fair when you wanna be a full person and be there for folk. I just found out that my homegirl Diamond is really showin' now and I'm kinda sad about it but at the same time glad she'll have the chance to grow on her and her husband's family. I remember when she told me about losin' the lil one maybe a lil over a year ago? That was when we all were in New York. I was there for that. Samira and I tried to support her durin' that time and that's a fear I don't wanna go through but truth is it isn't my future I don't think, so get that outta my head now. I haven't been to my house yet and I don't think I wanna go back there. It's not real right. Tainted. Bad memory. It prolly won't feel right, or worse it might just suck me back in like it did before. Though my workin' space is there, yanno? So I'm stayin' with Diamond for now. Dayum I need a weave or some shit but this short hair is better cause it's too hot to deal with. My bust, random. I tried buyin' a ticket to go away. Prolly some place I've been to before but forgot I can't really do that. Strict obligations to better my situation cause really I shouldn't be out no where. I should be holed up if you think about it. And that's not a good thing. Gahlee. Can't believe some of the shit I've done. Been on this beach tryin' to ease up but I found something to help. This medicine ain't the bizness really guess it helps mechanically but shit I don't like it. I'd rather roll up something sticky and unwind but that's out of bounds. YOU ARE OUT OF BOUNDS, NIGGA! Dayum I stay out of bounds. My bust. A friend of mine looked at me wild when I told her I was gonna get my first tat'. I like those on people rather on me. Normally I wouldn't do it. I don't like needles and obviously I'd fight a ma'fucka if they came near with one but this..I put some thought into it.

(  Sketches & final  )

I've had these in my sketch books for awhile except for the last one. Always wanted a koi pond at Mommy's house but never got to that project. There's a lotta projects that are unfinished. That's in a literal and hypothetical sense. Prolly don't make sense but shit I never do anyways. I asked Meme which one of the many would go. Where would I get it done at and what not. She tried to persuade me to get some new titties but I don't need no fake shit on me. That ain't my style and I'm scared to go under the knife again so naw. Bad enough that I got scars that ain't pretty. That won't divert attention away from where it really counts. I don't know how long she gonna be in town for but we gonna go and get this shit done. The last one really I touched up when I got the urge to do so. It looks like it could be a big piece but not too big. Gettin' it on the back ain't real nice. Though I was fuckin' around and told my brothers that I got Thug life tatted on my stomach. He cussed me out and said he was gonna find me and beat my ass for that. He prolly would too. Eh. Thought I'd laugh at that one but naw. Eh anyways they say koi fish have these symbolic attachments to them. Already they're beautiful fish and come in different colors. One thing that attracted me to them is the colors since they're so vibrant. Something I can identify with even though I don't exude bright and vibrancy. Maybe when I'm happy that's the case but I haven't been happy in a long time. Koi can mean advancing, having improvements, and ambitions in life. It can stand for courage to surpass all challenges in life. There is determination and endurance when critical situations are presented. Usually it can stand for good luck with shit. A meaning of independence and freedom for most. It shows a meaning of strength and freedom in such a small peaceful creature. As well enchances a strong character and identiy. I last thought that it stood for love and peace but I guess it can be what you want it to stand for. Really it's just a meanin' of alla those wrapped into one for me especially buildin' a strong character and identity. That's what drew me to decidin' to get this done initially since I'm in the process of findin' my identity again or findin' exactly who it is I am. Lost a lot of me along the way and hopefully this can help in a sense. I hope it does. A lotta shit to get over. Dayum, ramblin' again. I don't know how long I'll be out here but long enough to burn up to a crisp maybe. Hopefully the mornin' rush will go and the other folk will come along. I wanted to surf but remember last time I broke my leg so maybe not. I can still take classes right? Right. I'ma go before headin' to get inked up later. Hopefully it won't be hella painful and yeah I don't really know what pain is right? Righhht. Fuck outta here. I'm peaced out.

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BEATNIKNETTA @ Twitter [07-15-09@10:25PM ]
(  tweet updates  )
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Secret Journal...July 06, 2009 [07-06-09@10:38PM ]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | thoughts ]:[ Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now - Gnarls Barkley ]

After months of feelin' like control has been lost, shit was just like a merry-go-round that didn't stop. I had finally felt like I had control. Maybe control for the wrong reasons. When a source of power is within your hands and you got only a few options hangin' over someone else's head, its hella dauntin'. Havin' that much power over someone? I...I thought that felt like I was in danger. Like I woulda lost my freedom again. There was this never ending cycle of shit constantly happenin' and I had no choice but to lock myself in my home. It was safe from me bein' took or any accidents happenin'. I didn't wanna be in another one. Like I'm prone to that shit. And what made it worse was the fact the same shit was reoccurin'. Who wanna see themselves thrown from a bike everytime they closed their eyes? Yanno how fucked up that is? It's not just the act but the shock that follows right after. The pain. The pain is that fuckin' real, so when you wake up it's like you were just laid out on the asphalt. Bleedin' and broken. My spirit broke over and over again. How can you function properly? How can you be you and for someone else when your broken? I swear that night I saw man in the distance before I was out cold. Like and..its I don't know. It was like those dreams with the lil boy, can't see the face just a dude in the distance before he disappeared. What the hell is wrong? It's startin' to come back to me now. Why I'm where I am. Will I get to go home? I just wanna go home. I really do. The only folk that know I'm somewhere where I shouldn't be is a few. Take back. Not really. My own fam don't even know where I am. I haven't spoken to them bout the shit that's been damperin' to the point that I don't know which way is up. What is real or not. Like wow, how can someone drop so low and not know how to get back up again? What's happenin' outside of the room right now? Why can't I just leave, yanno? Maybe this is the best thing for me cause I just want peace. I really wanna be able to sleep without anything givin' me reminders that things of bad will always happen. You can't control nathen in your life. Why does it seem false that you can control your own destiny? I don't believe it anymore. Can I blame this on someone else?? Is it just my fault? Is it really? Naw, I don't think it's my fault. I didn't do nathen wrong, have I? Is this another sign of karma? If it is, I'm sorry. I don't even know who to say sorry to anymore cause it don't make a matter. Does it? Does apologizin' make a matter, really? It's never enough though. It never is. I wish it was always enough, even if it's followed by action of meanin' it. How can I fix things while in here? Huh? No one wanna answer my questions no more and I can't do much..like is this how it feels to be restricted of freedom as well?


...Made me feel like somebody...Hmmm, like somebody else...

Before ending where I have been for the past..has it been weeks already? Keepin' up with time has been a bitch but I knew that I haven't been home in some time. I couldn't remember how I got here until wakin' up from an uncomfortable sleep last night. Images rushed me in a short time frame, then replayed in a slow motion to what I couldn't figure out to be true. I was out of place, both mentally and physically. There was this blanket of fear once he trespassed. Though I asked for it. I invited him in when, when he was a threat. Maybe he always been a threat and I couldn't see that until now. Always thought he was too good to be true, given the circumstances. Shit never clicked until that evening. Then I wonder was it all..was he really just tryin' to help? But it felt like he came to destroy me. Destroy what safe haven I had and I don't know if it was to get back at me. Revenge is always served cold. That's one cold ma'fucka. Ain't it? Or am I a cold piece? I could be..but I don't wanna be. I never wanted to be this violent person who couldn't contain their emotions. I never wanted..it..like it was like my brother's actions manifested through me. I had no choice but to do what was right. To protect myself and my home. A home that maybe it wasn't worth protectin'. I guess I'm not sure but...I made a big mistake. I've made lots of them but this time it's prolly worse. Not only have I hurt someone the worse way possible, but I've ...he stood there tellin' me that I got no choice but to be helped. Did he say that or was I hearin' different? It's like there was nothin' that could stop him from removin' me from the element I was beginnin' to get used to, granted I haven't been used to much besides the daily routine. It was shit that kept me busy and awake when sleep was the most of my worries. Draw, paint, zone out in my studio, or veg out to music. I tried to go out one day. To..leave the house and so many feelings came over that I couldn't stand outside much longer. It all rushed to me like a tidal wave. Everything around from the sounds of everyday life, to the difference in smells, and what not was too much to face. I couldn't control anything, not even my dogs. Most of the time they're never hyped. So I locked myself back in where it was simple. Easier to deal with. I didn't care if it was just me there, I could hold my own like I usually did. It wasn't new from prior to movin' from L.A. or when I was stayin' alone in a different city. I could deal with it. Never wanted to but it was for the best. I guess. Always thought at one point some bad shit would happen where I would have been pushed to arm myself. When that day came never would I have expected to be him who linestepped to that degree. My Boobie...what..why does this feel wrong though? I was..I did the right thing, right? I had..he..why didn't he just stay away like he said he would? I thought he would stay away cause I was too much of a problem. Why did he have to come back like that for?


...And maybe it's a little selfish...

Livin' in a nightmare isn't how shit is suppose to be. Long nights in this place had me tryin' to figure out how I got here, and when did I get here. I've been moved from one place to the next with no recollection of how it happened in between, yet very distinctively it hit that what I did prolly got me a spot in this place. There was no way I did what I did, but I did? It's like maybe I didn't do anything wrong it was all just a bad dream, right? Can it be that though? Can it be just a dream and..and he's not really hurt? When I heard the knockin' at my door some shit just made me feel like this was gonna be that moment. That moment when action would save me instead of words. I figured someboddie else would be there as well ready to shut shit down. Fuck-a-that. Not on my watch. Not when I had hella shit to lose in there. But it turned out no one was behind the door but him. I failed to mention that I was strapped cause..it felt like that's what needed in order to face this shit. He underestimated my word, thought that I was kiddin', and mocked me. Why would I be someone to fuck with like that? Huh? The moves, everything from the way that he spoke just rubbed me the wrong way to the point I felt like my back was at the wall with no kinda escape and I had to do what I had to do. I..kinda let a few off and I tried to stop. I did cause I..I told him to go but he, that ...words didn't stop him. So a hot one did. Was my aim off? I don't know I didn't stand there long enough to see what happened. Where did he get hit? The force just fucked me up to the point that I wanted to take back what had happened. Couldn't carry myself that I was all over the place trying to figure out what happened in that quick second. It happened so fast. Too fast and I had to leave cause I know if he wasn't all that hurt he'd get me. Everything in between and there after is all a blur except that hella strong hands snatched me up. I can't remember what my direction was next but figured that now all I see is how he took what I dished but the look on his face killed me. That's the same look of hurt I never wanna see again but it's always there. Everytime I think about it, remember that night...that's all I see. This is confusin' cause I don't know what's right or wrong. Was it right? Was I entitled to feel like I have been when there was that round of fear that couldn't be shaken? Have I been that fucked up to not see the line? I never wanna hurt no one to that degree unless I felt that me or mines was in some kinda trouble. That was the aura that clouded the room soon as I let him in. It's gotta be my fault, huh?


...Was it possible you were hurtin worse than me?

Folk here kinda treat you like you're not fully youself. Not capable of makin' any type of real decision. Like a child. They don't believe that I'll be alright when I say I will. Nor think I can go on without any help. I've had folk watch me like some kinda experiement. Wonderin'..askin' me shit whenever I had the chance to sleep. That was prolly the first few days. Felt like a fuckin' lab rat with that shit on me. What the fuck though? It was like they couldn't explain to me when I came to all hooked on. I found out later when some answers were given but it didn't answer alla my questions. Like some electrode shit to monitor my sleep patterns and behavior durin' that time. I tried to break out leave on a few occassions..and...Gahlee, thought I wouldn't be cryin' right now but it's been awhile, huh? I thought I could hold up, be strong but it's hard to be strong in here. Especially when you're trapped like you lost your shit. Maybe I did. Is that what it's like? I don't wanna be here no more though. I kinda tried to reason that maybe I should just to be..just to go back to bein' Ant. She not really around right now and I guess folk been seein' the same thing as well. This mornin' one of them docs tried to talk to me. It wasn't the first attempt really but I couldn't be stubborn no more. Not when nathen was helpin' besides shit they gave me. I don't know what it is, and I didn't wanna ask cause I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know what's fully wrong cause I'm scared it'll consume me. Just the thought alone, if focused on will fuck with me so I gotta pass on that. At one point I tried keep my mouth shut. Not talk, or even eat. Though I knew eventually they'll try to force me to so I didn't want that problem. I gotta contact my fam though but I'm worried they might flip. Ask me alla these questions on how I got here. Who put me here...and I don't wanna deal with that. Its better that no one really knows where I am. Call it a vacation from the world until I'm ready to show face again. But I really don't wanna be here. Not like this I guess. I mean it ain't so bad sometimes. Sometimes. It isn't. Like..at least I ain't strapped down or no shit like that. Was I? Naw..I ain't that gone I mean..naw. But this room is different than that hotel lookin' one. It really is but it feels empty. All white though? Why can't they add color, yanno? Bright shit. Vibrant and alive kinda shit. Or something that's hella chill. It'll calm yanno? Not red though. I think that's been shed. Some colors help with your mood, yanno? Right now it's frightenin' havin' to always be surrounded by white. White this, white that. At least my gown ain't white. I got one that's white with Tinkerbell all over. It still don't make a matter cause this room ain't the bizness. At least I don't gotta share it with noboddie. Thought it prolly would help if someone else was here. Then I wouldn't have to resort to bein' on my phone alla time or this mac. I'm not suppose to have this but they let me? I wonder if he had this brought to me. I don't understand sometimes. Don't understand this at all. I guess this shit is gonna be intense. Everything will be includin' talkin' to someboddie bout my shit. Real wild sessions. That's what it is right?


...I know I'm out of control now...

How can my work and shit be complete if I'm not around though? I put alla that to the side ehh since I've been away and feel like it'll hit the shitter if I'm not around. I had deadlines that prolly gone already. Folk was countin' on me to lace them with a hot beat. Even my baby was about to launch. The company that no one believed in at first besides my beat partna. Then it got legs cause it took a bit of networkin' and convincin' some folk that this shit was the real deal. This was where music would be evolvin' into with the years to come, hell even for the 09'. But now I gotta put alla that on hold? Well my part basically but..I'm countin' on homie to hold shit down while I get back to my old self, whoever she is too. Then what about the folk that's countin' on me with other shit? Everything I was part of includin' those lil kids at the Boys & Girls club. What about them? How can I fulfill my duties not only as a person but as a woman who has something to share and give to them in the way of tellin' my experiences so they can do better? Oh man this shit is fucked up to the tenth degree. And all I can think about is where that fool is, how he's doin', and alla that. I tried prayin' for a lotta folk, includin him and even Hec'. My fam, and some friends I haven't spoken to. I don't know how much that'll do really cause I think my faith is bein' tested something serious. I just wanna know how everyone is doin'. Are they goin' strong? Gettin' elevated? I can use a fat ass blunt right now. Gahlee my dogs, who's got my dogs?!? If I find out someone hurt my dogs...it's a wrap. Eh someone is comin'. I gotta pause this...

[06-23-09@12:56AM ]
[ mood | the love below ]
[ music | Tre Stacks aka Andre 3000 ]

...The angelic nastiness you possessed made you by far the best...Therefore hard to tell...
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{ scene } [06-23-09@4:15AM ]
WHO: Ant { [info]antoinette_r } & Nic { [info]littlenicky }
WHAT: Invading space & disrupting possible work of art
WHEN: Monday late night --- early Tuesday morn
WHERE: Ant's condo
STATUS: complete

(  ...I got these bullets in the chamber. Don't make me let off a round. If my life's in danger...I'm gonna lay ya down, lay ya down. I got these bullets in the chamber. Don't make me let off a round. If my life's in danger...I'm gonna lay ya down, lay ya down... )
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IDK [06-21-09@1:30PM ]
[ mood | written letters ]
[ music | Unforgettable - Nat King & Natalie Cole ]

...Happy Pops Day...
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NAHRIGHT.COM /// Music [06-17-09@12:25AM ]
[ mood | humble pie & Grey Goose ]
[ music | Xxplosive - Dr. Dre ]

(  Nahright.com shit  )
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I need a soap box to stand tall [06-14-09@10:44PM ]
[ mood | retreatin' ]
[ music | Aerodynamic - Daft Punk ]

Today is Sunday I found out cause I got it mistakened for Friday. Shows how much attention has been paid. It's fine right? Like it don't matter what day of the week it is as long as you know what's up. What if you really don't care what's up? Is that a bad thing or not? I guess worryin' about alla that doesn't help really. Not when you consumed with something else which that something else could be irrelevant. It's fine I guess. I took a break from paintin' cause my wrist started to ache. So far it's comin' out exactly how I envisioned it to look like. Just like this dream I had. Guess it seemed real, down from the sights and sounds. Even the smells. The beach smells good yanno? Ever dug your feet into the sand and giggle? I wonder what some folks senses be like. If they can actually appreciate the sense of touch. I like the way sand feels between my toes, especially when it's warm. So tryin' to capture that sense on a two dimensional medium is hella tricky. I guess it all depends on the person who views it. How deep their imagination is. More like how good they can let go of the physical world for that one moment in order to live in the moment of that scene. Imagine that? It's sorta similar to that scene I painted up in my room back at my mom's house. At the time of completin' that I thought nathen could disrupt the sounds of the ocean wavin' back and forth across the shore. Or how sizzling the sun felt to the skin.

It's not like I never went outside my spot and been to a beach. I have. Just that..the last time wasn't so pleasant. It wasn't peaceful like I thought it would be. It didn't go, and I guess my mood fucked it up for others. Right now that's prolly the best way to describe what it is, and what it will remain to be. It's fine though, I got a spot where I don't have to leave really. Alla the things I need are right here. Especially in this spare room. When it's all completed I'ma set up shop in here and puff on that Bob Marley til' I can't see notta damn thing. Sounds hella wild too. There are alotta things that's wild but can you really know what is wild and what ain't? What if you think something is wild but really isn't? Does it all depend on the person? Prolly that but I just think once shit is said and done with you only got yourself to depend on. It works out that way. Its for the better somene told me. Or I could be lyin' not knowin' what it is I'm talkin' about. Really though I'm hella out of it cause the time is different than what I thought it was. Anyways my brother stopped by. Didn't think he would but he did to bring by some food. Comfort food. It was good goin' down but terrible comin' back up. My bust TMI. Prolly no comfort in that, huh? Prolly is a sign to find something better to eat and no greasy shit. Well he got me a dog. I really wanted that koi pond but I did want another dog but not really now, yanno? I have two already. Though he took Precious away so he could train her. Now I just have two boys. Sweet huh?

(  The new homie...  )

He's real good and cute as hell. He likes to snuggle a lot which is sweet. Unlike Endo, Astro isn't real lazy and likes the play a lot. He tires me out or I might just be out of shape. Prolly the latter. I just hope he won't be a mark cause I need tough dogs to protect the fortress. That's how big it feels in here. Big and empty. Maybe it's suppose to be that way. Ever thought about that? What if one day I owned this big ol' house...like them 20+ room type houses. Yanno alla shit you can get into there? Gahlee. I'd never walk out my doors. An estate. That's what it's called right? I want wanna those one day. Build like secret hideaways and shit. Like foreal, I'm hella serious. Wouldn't you have to find like a wild ass architech for that? I'ma think on that one some more. Prolly gotta beef up security. Why do that when you know some folks that's about some shit? Anyways ehh yeah what was this about again? A'ight those walls. I might be done in a few more days but I need sleep to finish it off. That and maybe a good bath. Haven't had one of those in a few days...naw I'm fuckin' around. I don't stink or nathen like that. That's hella nasty though. Not washin' ya ass when you should. Alla them germs and shit. Iew. But I prolly gonna sit in the tub until my hands get wrinkly and fall off. Is that possible?

I doubt it. Yanno what is possible? Not feelin' comfortable in your own anything. Just not feelin' comfortable period. Kinda annoyin' ain't it? It's more than annoyin' but really bothersome. I ain't gonna jump on that no more. I wanted to write about something else but had a fucked up memory lapse. It was all there just now then POOF. Gone. I gotta stop smokin' or something. You ever smoked yourself until the one thought you was heavy on was nothing? Like it felt like deja vu? What is deja vu again? Is that real? Or is it just one of those coincidental feelings that you've been in that certain space before? Hella weird. Kinda wanna investigate that. I do gotta write my pops soon. He prolly upset with me as well. I'd go and visit but outside these perimeters isn't lookin' real safe right. Eh..my hand is crampin' up and I gotta go feed the lil-lil homie. I'm peaced out.

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Diamond pressed against dat wood, candy paint, spinnin' wheels.. [06-07-09@5:23PM ]
[ mood | searchin' ]
[ music | Creating Kryptonite - Santigold ft. Purple Ribbon All-Stars ]

I gotta make folk understand me some how. Sufferin' and and bad things breed inspiration so where's mine? Where did that urge to create go? Where are you homie? Or does suffering' suppress it as well? They say all the great artists of our time were put through some kinda sufferage before they created these masterpieces. Is that true? Did I get that from a book or was it by...I don't know but its all for certain that tribulations causes a person to ..to uhm to what is it? Causes them to tap into that pot of gold. In the end they might get supplemented for it through recognition or a personal fulfillment. Maybe after they're well gone off this earth, right? That might be their temporary outlet until some other shit comes along. All the best music was inspired through experiences, right? Bad or good but it all served as an outlet for not only that person creatin' it but for the people who took the time to listen. They felt it and even used it to help themselves. What if you can't create though? Does a part of you wilt? Can you stand to find it when it left you hopefully only temporarily? Where are you homie? Does it hurt that another piece of yourself is gone again? Are you really lost without it cause it seems like you've been deserted at a time where you might need it the most? Who cares about people when you had your craft to depend on? But the thing that drove you to make shit is missin'. What will you do, huh? What the fuck will you do?

...Where are you homie?

Track of time was lost since movin' around in my spot as if there ain't nothin' else to do. I've spent time in every single room to spare me just wastin' away in my studio. Here I sit writin' instead of buildin' a beat. Oh I got beats for days but they're old. Out of date. Technically ruined cause they've got no attached feelin' to it. There's no associatin' with it. No one can relate to it, not even myself. This is hella wild that I don't know what else to look for anymore. It's like the motivation got sucked out. Naw, I wouldn't say motivation but that thing is missin'. Like a puzzle piece. Can't have a full jigsaw unless all the pieces are there, right? It kinda feels like one of your thumbs is gone. You need that thing whether you realize it or not. Prolly it's like missin' a limb but I been felt that way before for other reasons. Things are missin', yanno? Where are you homie? The question is, does alla that have to be there? Of course. How can I not work? I'll end up in debt. Lose alla the shit I've worked for, and prolly move back into Mommy's house again. Not that it sounds like a bad idea cause anything simple is fine with me. I like a simple life. Complications just put you in for a ringer, don't it? Really I don't care if feddie is made offa this anymore. I just want to be able to sit in this room and dive into the equipment that is at my disposal. I just want to put that signature back onto my work so that it'll mean more than just a track with random noise combined together.

(  sanctuary of controlled chaos  )

Noise. That's all that comes from that room. Is nathen but noise. At least it keeps me awake when I should be sleep. But why sleep when sleep is for the weak? I ain't weak. Not if I can stay up for days at a time. I can zone off in here all day and not feel that bad. I had this dream not too long ago..it prolly was a vision. At least it wasn't a bad one this time...like when. Eh never mind. Yanno folks can see their futures in dreams right? So I was sittin' at this piano. A baby grand..gahlee that thing was pretty. There I was playin' away. I can't remember what song it was but it got a standin' ovation. Hella sweet right? That'll be my next purchase. Get a baby grande. I don't know how it'll fit but if there's a will there is a way, right? I can set that bitch up right in the living room. Who cares about couches and shit? Ain't no one but me here and that'll just get in the way, yanno? It's not like folk stop by to visit and stay long enough. I think I chase folk away but who cares? I have all that I need in here so ya'll won't be seein' me much anymore. Everything is all right here...but there might be a problem when I run outta food and other shit. I can ask my sister to go make runs for me. Prolly my brother would do it. Prolly not. It's okay though I'll think of something but right now I ain't movin' nowhere really. Not when my search isn't complete. Yeah it really ain't complete and will it ever be complete? I don't know but right now I have to figure something out. Givin' up isn't an option. What if it is though? Then what will happen after? Does that mean alla this goes to waste? Chalk that up and find something else? What if you really don't wanna move on? That's not an option, right?

Ehh there's always the other talents, right? I can draw pretty well. My pencil game is cold if I let it. Oh there's paintin' but I don't enjoy that much unless it's a big ol' canvas. Like a wall. Paintin' on walls can be relaxin'. Kinda did some of that one of those days. What day is it again? Prolly forgot the time too but that don't matter really. There's no place important to head off to right now. So I'm fine without knowin'. More like hella lazy to look on the screen. Gahlee. Prolly I don't wanna know the time or the day. It just interupts what I have to do in the first place. No distractions..well I gotta remember to feed my partnas and walk them. Not too far cause you never know what can happen outside of your doors. Though some folks are nice like my neighbors. First time in a while I've had nice neighbors. But they be hella nosy. Always wanna be in my biz or wanna come over for coffee. Chill with that shit, homie. Where was I? A'ight back to the inspiration shit. I kinda need to go back to basics, right? Yanno when I do things should be fine right? Do folk look at that as the answer to all things once they find it? Can it actually cure some bad shit or no? Prolly false. Maybe it ain't. All I wanna know is how long will it take before I can't do this no more. Will frustration consume me to the point that I give up? Did I ask that already? Prolly did, can't remember much anymore. That's prolly a sign to go rest my nerves and lay down somewhere. I will soon as I record this drum pattern. I'm peaced out.

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[06-03-09@11:38AM ]
[ mood | same ol' beat ]

...Anyway they don't know you like I do. They'll never know you ...
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GAME....BLOUSES.... [05-26-09@1:32AM ]
[ mood | laxin'-mode ]
[ music | Prince & The Revolution ]

...You were so hard to find. The beautiful ones, they hurt you everytime...
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Trippin'... [05-24-09@3:18AM ]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | I'm The Shit rmx - DJ Class ft. Kanye West ]

...I got them diamonds on my neck. Got patron in my cup. If you want it come and get it. Shawty I dont give a fuck...

A nap is a nap. It can be a span of ten minutes to fourty-five, or maybe longer. Naps are the only kind of sleep action I get around here. When I catch a nap, that shit is cherished cause there ain't no full on sleepin'. One of those naps led to a dream of sorts in which was befuddling. Is that shit a word? Befuddled. Ah shit, it made me laugh. Befuddled. I don't know where the hell it was heard but the word is a wild one. It seemed like that hour was more than eight. What was that about? What does it mean? Why does your body pysche itself out sometimes? During this slumber was a wild ass dream. Far cry from the other shit that bothers me often. When the sandman came along, I remember faintly what the dream had been about. It was weird as hell but there I was sitting backstage or in a room that was a dressing room? And eh at first it was only myself watching through this mirror. The counter was a shared space that was flush with this long wall with chairs, stools, and other seats attached to them. That was just on one side, right? Then on the opposite side were lockers. Items of costuming, drawls, and loose dollar bills littered the area. Sitting in front of that mirror, I was applying make up. Slowly getting ready for something but my mind wasn't sure what I was getting ready for. It was as if around me was nothing until the moments were ticking. Lighting was brightening up around me until it made sense what I was getting ready for. Then one by one the room began to fill up with these broads. All were different flavors if you will. Tall, short, thick, thin, light skinned, dark, and everything in between. No matter how unique and pretty they were, they all had one thing in common with myself. That was the chase for the dollar. That was noticed and I finally stopped to figure out what was going on around me, including the details of shit that was laying around. In front of me were a few pictures. One was of a small kid say about the age of five, but the face was blurred out. Like the shit wasn't in focus. Then another picture was of some dude, again the face was blurred out. Then another flick was a picture of myself I guess with some other dude but both of our faces were blurred out. You couldn't really tell who they were or what they were. It was a real blurred picture. Attention went to that before someone came busting in the locker room frantically addressing the line up. Still shit was confusing that I wasn't sure as to what was happening but I knew a job had to be done. Maybe it was for the people in the pictures, including the kid. Which this shit by now is fuckin' with me cause analyzin' it is confusin'. So anyways after gettin' ready and shit I finally looked down to what I had on and that's when I figured where I was. What part of my life that must have lead me to settle for a route that some broads I know go in order to pull through to survive. Though I sat in that spot wondering how I got there when I knew how just at that moment it was like having amnesia. That's what it was like I guess. Then the dream kinda fast forward to a part where I was located in this private room. No sex in the champange room. Eh..my bust. It was dark with light specs coming from this overhead to give like a laser show. Yeah so I was up in there damn near butt ass naked givin' a lap dance. Gahlee. It was real...it made me feel less than what I was but I continued to do it since there was an unseen drive to do it for the kid in that picture. Dayum I was mad though at the knee high killas I had on though. I'ma go find some knee high Louboutins or some...oh my bust but yeah. Back to this shit. Right, the person I was dancin' for was another nameless dude who prolly was avoiding the stresses of home. He prolly had a wife or girl with a family as well. I can't remembered what was being said but there was a one sided convo bein' had between him and I. Though his story was all like the same. As if that was the usual type of dude who frequented that place and I was immune to it all. There were always those offers of giving more than just a dance. Offers of more feddie but the offer wasn't enough to further destroy what lil' dignity I had left at that point. I got my money and dipped to head back. That's when it fast foward once again to me heading home in this raggedy ass vehicle that was on verge of shutting down. The person I was at that place had been left behind, for a person that was more of I could connect with. This time it was strange cause I had a home. A real home with folk in there waitin' for me. That shit fast forward once again and I was sittin' at the edge of the bed of the lil' boy who was in the picture. He was knocked out cold, and it reminded me of how I sleep. Rolled up in the blanket, droolin', and huggin' the pillow like a teddy bear. Still I couldn't make out his face or anything else. It was like he was blurred out. Some time was spent in that room before I dipped. Then it moved foward again where I found myself where I guess my room was. Like how the lil boy was knocked out, there was a dude in the bed. It was dark so I couldn't see shit. Dark and blurred. Nathen pulled me to the bed but rather a force was pushin' me away until I was outside glancing at the house. After that it was on some new shit where it morphed and I was back sittin' in front of that mirror again looking at myself through that portal or some shit. That's when I woke up befuddled. I don't get it. Don't think I would but it felt like it was a different life from what I have now. One that's omittin' the important shit from it. That's kinda bothersome to me cause I wanted to know who those people are besides obviously thinking they are more than imporant but what is their importance? What's their names? Ages? Fears? Weaknesses? I don't know ever since this afternoon I couldn't get back to sleep. At least it wasn't no bad shit, right? Lemme stop drinkin' this shit. Air is needed...

...I got the world in my hand. And I ain't finna let it go...
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And to know once again...That what I feel is real? [05-20-09@10:47PM ]
[ mood | 'scuse me while I kiss the sky ]
[ music | What Would I Do If I Could Feel - Nipsey Russell ]

...Oh tell me what. What would I do, if I could feel...

I really don't feel like talkin' to anyone so writin' in this shit will have to do. Carry on ma'fuckas, carry on. Dayum, if my mackbook started talkin' back to me then I'ma have to go lay down somewheres. What if that shit happened though? I mean the technology is there...but I'm sayin' just outta nowhere that thing started to yap it up talkin' bout, "Antoinette, what the fuck you doing now?" Ehh. My bust. Would it be better not to feel anything? Does bein' numb make you less of a person? What if you don't wanna feel nathen? What if that wish came true and you regret it later? Good or not so good feelings are there for a reason but what if only you could feel good alla time? I guess you can by some form or another. Naming them off will go on until my hands ache and that's not a feelin' I wanna get on. There are physical feelings that stand out more than the emotional ones. Or do they go hand in hand? Takin' a bottle to the head can either suppress the bad feelin' or make it worse than it was before. Prolly the latter but for the period of time while you're under the influence, you feel good. It depends right? Maybe you might feel twice as bad as it were before hand. It varies for me. Combination of things will alter your judgement greatly....ask me how I know. When your judgement is altered so is the cold cold cold cold....cold world around you, you do dumb shit. Say shit you don't mean. Thinkin' is unclear. Your feelings are different or eh...magnified. Right. Self-medicatin'. That's a way of life which isn't good. It won't make your situation better. It won't help you combat the inability to sleep. It won't help you function all that well. Trust me cause I'm kinda lifted now..alot actually. Yet I'm still typin' with no prolem...eh problem. Problrmp..my bust. It's a problem. Sticky caps on you hos! Lemme chill. Eh bad influence. Prolly wouldn't make a good parent if this shit keeps goin'. Eh wait..nevermind. Where was this goin' again? Eh wait a'ight back track. Tin man. He had no kinda heart right? You got hort? You ain't got no hort. I mean heart. Heart is right, right? Righttt....eh he was just a shell. The Tin man that is. Nathen but a shell of metal. Tin scraps and shit like that. He had some kinda knowledge right? Homie, just wanted to feel no matter what it was. He wanted to experience human emotions. Rise and falls. Ups and downs. Good and bad. Happy or sad. I can write a few hits on that subject alone but I ain't though..but what if yanno when you subject yourself to tossin' back a few. Or rollin' up the stickiest of the icky...do you still feel shit besides the high? Eh or if you go on for too long can you get immune to them vices to the point you're searchin' for else not to feel nathen? What if you don't wanna end up feelin' empty though? Then what? When you do, do you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what the fuck happened? What if say you lost the ability to feel much of anything, would that make it easier to move through life? Would it make it difficult even? Let's say it would make it easier, then what? Would folks look at you hella alien like? Would they feel as if you can't relate to them in any way? Ever wonder what it would be like to meet one of those big ass headed ma'fuckas from the next galaxy? I swear we ain't the only life forms in this big ol' space. Watch...Roswell was real. Don't ask me how I know but it was real. That shit gotta be real. I wonder..how many folk look at their roads and try to figure out which way to go from the point that they were stopped at? It's like gettin' pulled over ridin' hella dirty. And you stuck. Stuck and unable to move. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Ayo, ain't there a real Boardwalk in Jersey? I'ma go there one day hopefully. Don't you hate it when someboddie buys up Park Place and you had Boardwalk? Didn't that shit make you wanna negotiate the hell out of a trade? Dayum. Monopoly. I'ma buy that game again and start challeging folks for stacks. Bet I'ma buy up hella hotels and houses and shit like that. Like PIYAH! Pay me fool! I wish alla my siblings were in here with me so we can get in on that game. Teams were fun but that was a long time ago. Speakin' of siblings, I miss hearin' Brother Darius preachin'. Rev' D. Then maybe I wouldn't be wastin' away by watchin' ashes fall on my lap. He was a holy roller. Back to what I was gettin' at. I done forgot but ayo just for one day I wanna be like the Tin man prior to him gettin' a heart. Maybe it'll make me appreciate bein' blessed with the ability to feel. Not physically though. I like touchin' stuff for some reason. Like yanno how lil kids do when they ain't suppose to be touchin' shit when they go places? Like that. I like to feel up on things. No not like that, I mean yeah but I haven't been in that mindset to feel up on folks. Not a good look though. Well it could be but ehh. I lost my mojo on some real shit. I won't get to that right now or ever. I lost where the hell this was goin' a long ass time ago so I'ma be chill and sit down somewhere. Pressin' pause?

...I could cry. I could smile. I might lay back for a while. Oh, tell me what...What would I do if I could feel...
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...Decisions & Sacrifices... [05-17-09@11:01PM ]
[ mood | in the pits ]
[ music | David Porter ]

...It's over. My my my good thing is over. The masquerade is over...

Watching the production of a studio bein' installed in your home builds up this anticipation for what your heart was set out to do. If you have it in your mind to get something done, and determination then you do what's best to see that it comes to pass. Before this weekend ever came about, I watched where my money was bein' spent. Investments that will go in the long run, that's what I think on. I make my feddie doin' things that I love. My money isn't spent to be part of some shit that won't accept me for who I am but its spent for those that can benefit. Make them be better than what their situation was. That's my drive to continue to do what I do no matter how much is clouding my aura. I don't care about living a lavish lifestyle. It don't matter to me if I find my way back in the hood; my mom's home with my brother and his fam. I could give a fuck if things get skimmed off and I have to struggle to get back where I've been. I will admit havin' the means does make life easier comfortable. There's a dedication that drives you to accomplish such. Yeah I've accomplished much in a short time period that often there's a disbelief of my abilities. There are setbacks like most, including non-believers, haters, and critics. I've seen my name bein' dragged around through rumors, and just shit to pique folk's attention. In the beginning of this journey I felt that it added to the dark place I was once locked in. It was all new when shit behind closed doors and out from the public view was drivin' me to a point that there was no balance anymore. In all of my twenty-five years, I've seen shit, had shit thrown at me, or been thrown into shit. All of it could have knocked me off for good. Yet here I am still hanging' on the ledge by one hand hella tight. I wasn't ready to fall at one point in my life. Now, I am not sure of that. When my studio was completed and a tech showed me the shit, I just stared at the mixers and digital recorders as if it was foreign. The Mac was like an object that was far beyond my mental compacity that I was scared to even touch it. The boxy ass booth felt empty. The drum set, and few keyboards were lifeless that I couldn't bring myself to lay hands nor fingers against it. Not even the samplers pulled me. This is part of my new home and my drive to put myself in that room has been non-existent. That was what I wanted in order to keep indoors. Play it cool until everything out of place was sorted out. Lay low. Just lay low.

Its these decisions that come to haunt in a sense. So much that it effects just about everything that you're connected to. I've been in bed for past day or so wondering' if decisions I've made were truly for the best. Will it be for the best short term or for the long haul? Either way it still effects one thing or another. And I know I've made decisions that have hurt two people. The idea is enough to make you feel guilty that everything you've worked towards with those folk is null and void now. Its never in my heart to hurt someone. Cause I'm not a cold broad but apparently it might seem that way through another set of eyes. I've put a lot on the back burner in the past and currently in order for shit to work as much as it could. When you know it isn't working' for your sake anymore than something has to give. It must but I find it hard finalizing on one thing and still feel another way. Its a fucked up road to go on when you know how much you love or loved someone. Do you love them any less if there is a sacrifice that's for the better of others and not just yourself? Or do you love them more if you keep at it knowin' on your heart its bound to fold anyways? Twice, twice this shit had to happen and I thought that maybe this time around bein' in this position would never happen again. It has, so now where can I go from here without slipping' from the ledge?

(  Privy  )

I think I'ma stick to this community service thing. The Boys & Girls Club been callin' me for a minute. Since I gotta fill out the obligations that's part of my sentencin'...what other way to help those young ones to make better decisions by showin' them through life experiences? I feel like it'll help me but I really don't wanna leave this spot for nathen. I just gotta find my way back to what the hell I've been doin' in order to cope with shit goin' on around me. Pray for the best but man you don't even know what it's like. It's better that I keep peace here for a while. Prolly try to talk to someone when I feel like it but naw. I'm chill offa that though. I should be up about some shit, like folks bein' with child. But..I can't think on it right now. It just makes a broad sad. I'ma go try to clean up but doubt that'll get done. I'm peaced out.

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Yeah...Happy Mom's Day... [05-10-09@2:41PM ]
[ mood | audio-tunin' ]
[ music | Dear Mama - 'Pac ]

...And there's no way I can pay you back. But my plan is to show you that I understand. You are appreciated...
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Fully Programmed in HiDef... [05-03-09@10:06AM ]
[ mood | inspired? ]
[ music | Things I've Been Through - Jadakiss ]:[ drum patterns ]

I can only speak for...the things that I've been through. I can only speak for...the things that I've been through...

I took a trip around the city of Rome yesterday. Took a boat ride to slip in some ink time, but came up short. I've co-written hooks before. Even helped write melodies for tracks but when it comes to pouring out your heart full on with the pen, I fail. That part I leave to the real poets who go hard on the pen tip. For me, my expression comes in the form of instrumentation. Beats. Records. Tracks. The process of ruling out different elements in a song. Strings. Keys. Drums. Snares. Kicks. Claps. Synths. Horns. The whole nine. That's what gives me hope. It plants a seed of departure from negativity. I love this shit more than most at certain times. It's a hate relationship as well but after the frustration, and bouts of block this shit is all I got to help cope. Keep me sane even. I went to a discotechque out here which is a club. Yanno sometimes the music is different but its the same. From my experiences bein' in Europe, I've found that they do it big over here. Everything is such a big fuckin' sound. More than stadium music, my nigga. This shit is colossal that its bigger than the artists. Its bigger than the folk who are moved by it. Its like capturin' one stimulatin' emotion or experience then magnifyin' that shit to infinite numbers. That's how big it is. Kinda sound like I'm on some x but I'm not...blame it on the goose wine. It's mornin' so...shit they drink wine in the mornin' so it's chill.

There were a coupla clubs I hit up. Gilda, Alien, and this club called Alibi that I peeped out a lotta hot gay men. Gahlee. They ain't have to be that fine though. Eh...my bust. It's mostly house oriented music but there was something bout hearin' it in that venue that turned on a switch. There isn't a doubt that I can capture that sound its the moment and essence behind it. I got this track that was suppose to be for JLO. My homie Jessie wrote it and did the reference to it and it just ain't hittin' with me. Though the old broad didn't want it really so I gotta figure out if it's the track or not. If there's some shit that's needed or not. Pass it around until it gets caught. I'm wonderin' if Kia can pull this off. If this the direction to move towards. I'm still on some international type feel but that might be me just wantin' to evolve from one sound to the next without it feelin' pushed.

Shadows on the wall, steam is on my back...Sweat dripping hard, feel it drip, drip, drop...

This shit right here? This shit saves lives. It feeds folk. Gives them a way out from a fucked up situation, to a good one. It made a way for my fam to have support. I get to see a lil brother go to college cause of this. My other siblings are well and know that this shit got them if they ever hit hard times. It can give me the way to make sure my grandparents are livin' a easy life after years of bustin' they asses. Shit, this helped keep money on my daddy's books. There is so much that I can put on this and the thing about it, is that givin' it up would be the worse regret ever. Walkin' away from what sculpted your identity is the most fucked up thing you can do. There were those instances where I just wanted to leave it all alone. Focus on more better things, but nathen is more better than this. That's that bread and butter shit you can't screw with. If I end up making that decision, then where would that put me in these difficult times? Bein' alone and unable to stay at the hospital at certain time blocks, I have this outlet to keep me some company. It's not like there are folk I know out here besides Boobie, Cola, Nicola. Guess he was right when he said the city was beautiful. Wished my escape plan wouldn't have that possibility of blowin' up in my face. Eh.

( ...Under these lights we working it hard. I take it back to the hood... )

A lotta snapshots were taken but I narrowed them down to ones that stood out to me. The metro almost came in place but I spent some time ridin' that bitch just to get the feel of the time. It helped a bit, and I got in touch with various sounds goin' on around me at that one time. Before I got back from visitin' ol' boy, I went to this electronic shop that sold used equipment. At that point after the tour and shit I felt like my hands needed to mold some shit so....I kinda bought another mpc. And haven't been to sleep since alla this shit happened in the last twenty-four hours. I've been paddin' away like a ma'fucka and don't know when I'll sleep. It's fuckin' near 10AM and I'm up writin' this shit like it's sweet. That's just what I've been on and had to share. I guess. Share and keep positive cause ain't much that is promised. That's just in general really. I wanna chop it up on some other things that have been keepin' my head goin' but I won't. Just know that Dollhouse Management & Aerial Landing ENT. is a fuckin' go. If I catch someboddie tryin' to jack my names 'fore they take flight? It's a wrap cause I'ma fuck yous and yours up. Lemme press pause and sleep this wine off before I get hot. Ahh shit! The polizia knockin' down my door...I'm peaced out!

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Unworthy of a title... [04-27-09@2:25AM ]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | What If ft. Nas ]:[ Smoking Gun - Jada ft. Jazmine Sullivan ]

You want the real? Then I'll give you some fuckin' real shit. Everyboddie wanna know what's goin' on and what ain't. I know folk are concerned but don't waste your time tryin' to figure me out or where's my head. I think it fell offa my shoulders. Wanna go fetch it and bring it back? There's a lot you can't see, and it's all churnin' in the noggin. I've got hella shit to think about and doin' so by jumpin' from one place to the next before realizin' that my answers won't come from the places I've been. After fuckin' up that dude, you can't tell me how pissed off it made me lookin' at my face in the mirror. Like on first instinct, it would have been on some let's go and find this dude so I can rip his jaw off. Or something closely worse than that. I mean it's hella weird how gainin' a different perspective from someone else can make you look at the situation with a pair of straight eyes. What if I would have left shit alone, and allowed for Alice to handle it? Would it have been her that caught the bitchass shot? What if homie just got pulled away from security and there were no problems? I mean seriously, I wanted to some bad shit after the fact. Then I knew that the whole thing had been some of my fault. Ever since then I've been askin' these weird ass questions, just retracin' events. Wonderin' if there were other possibilities that could have happened instead.

Deep in my own shit and under a haze of smoke, I've tried to look back on where things went wrong in general. How it all turned out for the worse. And what was I gonna do to solve it all. Obviously I came up empty handed and still nathen. I really don't want to deal with what shit I'm up against cause I feel like it would be all downhill even if I try to develop some kinda solution. The worse of it all isn't hittin' yet and I know it will soon. Those are just the vibes I get that I can't shake no matter what. Kia pointed out some big things to me and I'm tryin' to see if shit could really be a blessin' in disguise or what. At the moment I can't call it.

(  Privy  )

Whenever my ass gets back to LaLa land I'll make sure to hit folks up. I've already invaded Paul Bunyan's house. Kinda odd and totally my bust but yanno alla that went away when you got two bumasses bustin' blunts, then nearly passin' out with shit in rotation. My chest still hurts cause of that. But thanks though for even listenin' to the dumb shit. It kinda put things in check for me, honestly. I'll pay you back next time though. Naw,...lemme stop cause I might get sued. Speakin' of gettin' sued...there went my publishin' check. That fool ass white boy tryin' to sue me plus press charges now and the owners of the club. Glad to finally make it in life. It's a big ol' honor really. Gah-fuckin-lee. It gets no sweeter than that. I ain't gonna press charges though. Wait...takeback. Take the fuck back. Naw I can't let that one go right there. Lemme press pause for I break this macbook. Eh. Right. I'ma be bumass'n in Kia's spot for another day or so. Then it's Italy one more 'gan...time. Time. If inspiration comes outta this trip then I should be thankful for that at least. Prolly thinkin' too hard on shit when it prolly ain't that bad? I mean it is bad but..I don't know what it is I'm sayin'. Ramblin' but lemme go find out what this broad into. Her sis talkin' bout blazin' up, this time I might have to pass on that one. I can't even go on no more. I'm peaced out.

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{ BlackBerry • bold • UD }---> HAPPY 4/20! [04-20-09@12:30PM ]
[ mood | lifted & unfocused ]
[ music | piano chords ]

...HeyyyeyyyeEYEYyyyEYYYY...smoke weed everyday!



That's all I have or willin' to share, sorry. Makin' music without no kinda direction. Wish me luck I guess. *shrugs* Oh yeah Comet! I got your share, homie. Come holla at me sometime today.
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{ Just Jared.com } [04-19-09@5:42PM ]

Sun, 19 April 2009
Earth to Kyle Morris - Broken glass doesn't look good on you

Club Area in L.A. has seen its fair share of disruption at the door but on Friday (April 17), disruption had been showcased inside the venue. Insiders and even victims of the wreck less mele...

(  Read More  )

What now? [04-13-09@1:21AM ]
[ mood | don't know right now ]
[ music | The Love We Had - The Dells ]:[ Sideshow - Blue Magic ]

Two Easters ago I watched the lady who birthed me, begin to start out her life. When I say this, it is only meant to describe what new life that was going to begin from that day on. There were promises of building a relationship which never existed in all of my years. There were relationships to be built to be stronger and by her coming back into our lives, I was gonna see that happen. Then on the ninth of April 2007, she was gone. With anyone who has had to lose a loved one, you never get over the lost no matter how long its been since that time. I don't know anyone who comes to terms with it really. This isn't my reason for speakin' on this but had to get it offa my chest cause cause...today when I got back home I skipped out on spendin' the day with my fam to go to her plot. Pay respects and think about the what ifs. It's unlikely that she would have been the person I grew up not understanding, nor liking but someone I could've gone to when no one else had the answers to shit. That's what moms were there for. And I never had that. What if she woulda had a second chance to breathe, like I did? What if she hadn't went to work that night of the accident? I don't wanna believe the theory that the Big Homie felt it was her time to go, but what if it wasn't? The what ifs are only ideals that you wish were true but they never are. They never come true, and you can't go backwards to change the outcome. I wish at times I was in certain places at certain times to change the way history moves. It would save a lot of turmoil for folks, includin' myself. This is why late winter, and early spring aren't so bright. This time is getting darker by the day and I wanna know when will it ever stop...Feels like deja vu.

{ Privy }------> I wonder if life is suppose to go in cycles. If so, I kinda know where it is goin'. Feels like I've been here before. There's a place where no one should find themselves in but you do so eventually. You start to question the point where everything went wrong and want to go back to fix it. Everything that has happened from the beginning of last year, to present makes me want to re-evaluate where have I went wrong. There was a time of stillness that I would have liked to go back to. Maybe it was there prior to leavin' L.A. I might have seen it more after I did leave. There are spots in time where bein' in the place I was in before L.A. was fine and it could have been better if only I would have put people first before my work. You don't see that shit when you're consumed with everything else. I guess that shows what type of person I was at that time. Now, I can't say for sure what I am. I don't know whether I'm comin' or goin'. Where I'll be and what I should be doin'. I'm left confused and unable to figure out a solution to every problem that seems to surround my life. Last weekend when I lax'd at Mommy's house, it took a bit out of me to surround myself around fam, and folk from the hood. It was a decent time to just celebrate. It wasn't like we were celebratin' milestones but more so the house bein' finished. I kinda saw it as a beginnin' for those who knew what that house meant to them.

My homegirl D' came through which we haven't seen much of lately, and I kinda miss havin' her around. Folks I haven't seen in years came through. As well as alla my siblings were there. I know what fam love is and I felt it all over again but much stronger cause of that home bein' completed. What wouldn't be right without it was someone who used to frequent that place cause of my brother. I asked Hec' if he wanted to come through not thinkin' he would, but he did. I can't really grasp if we'll even be tight like we once were before shit grew complicated but it's something I'm guessin'? It's confusin' cause I often think about what place do I have bein' in his life. Vice versa. At the moment, I'm not real positive if it's a good time to be around knowin' I got my own shit goin' on. It's not a good thing when two negatives meet. Is it? I wanna know if I'm really a bad influence cause I don't wanna be the reason for someone goin' backwards. Maybe I am and don't care. Though I do care so I should prolly watch the shit I do, say. It don't make much sense really cause it'll only make me a hypocrite. I don't have much space to tell someone, or show them what they shouldn't be doin' when I'm doin' the same shit. Some things we spoke on and I'm not sure how he took it cause there was a time when I was never that open before.

Laxin' on that back porch just put me in place where I felt comfortable, cause that's where I always took the time to reflect and sort shit out. He said shit that was straight to the point and I take it but don't know if it's enough to really run with. He seemed off though and I know what that could lead to. I've seen it many times before and wonder if bein' a good homie would help that. Sometimes I don't know if I could pull it off though. It's cause so much shit has been happenin' that breakin' myself up to be in more than one place is the problem. I've done it before and it did not get me much of anywhere. It really destroyed bonds I wanna say as well. After that day I hadn't seen him since and prolly only communicated through the forum shit. That's bout it. Then yanno I went out with Alice that Sunday evenin' to kill the noise of bein' down bout the break. I tried to explain the best that I could but it just sounds pitiful when I open myself up. There's nothing really good goin' on, and it has been all downhill. I get that we have ups and downs, but this shit is outta control. I felt that finally when Cola was gonna come back to work shit out, I hear about earthquakes and shit. I kinda felt like that was the end. Losin' someboddie else scared me to the point of losin' my marbles. Felicia hit me up about what was goin' on and gahlee. If I wasn't a mess at that point then it was a true disaster. That's what brought me to Rome, by myself like an idiot. I guess they say love makes you do crazy shit. This was different though and I was expectin' to see him all wrapped up like a mummy, instead I discover that he's breathin' but don't know who I am.

As if I'm a stranger now and he just forgot about alla shit that has happened. I nearly stopped breathin' at one point trying to grasp what was goin' on. I tried for days that I been there to show him that we knew eachother. I knew who he was and he was a complete ass to me. And..I felt foolish the entire time I had been there. Felt like what was the point in showin' him who I was when he couldn't get my face. It was like talkin' to the person I first met. What killed me the most was the way he spoke to me as if I lost my head. I'm not crazy, just a lil unwell and..gettin' through this shit is I don't know what to even do. How to fix it. His injuries are sure to heal but what if he doesn't gain his memory back? He knows only of his life up until the past few years. I wasn't even around so it's wild that this shit happens. It's like I'm stuck on decisions to move on or sit back and ride this out only to hope for the best. Then those what if's come back and the what ifs are more negative in thought than anything. That's what I don't wanna think about. It'll be as if my time spent with this man had been a waste in the end. So I had to head back home. It was gettin' overly exhaustin' and frustratin' to sit there in debate whether this and that happened. I feel bad for leavin' but he was makin' it unbearable. I tried to see it in his shoes as how folks was tellin' him he was fucked up but...it isn't the case. I wanna see shit through and hope for the best, but it's just not there right now. I don't believe nathen good will come of this. Maybe it's karma. Ain't that a bitch? <------{ End }

I gotta start my community service tomorrow and keep busy cause folk are dependin' on me to eat. I've put myself out there to help someone better themselves career wise and I plan on stickin' to it cause it'll help me not think so much on one thing. There's a lotta shit racin', goin' faster and faster but workin' helps slow it down. If only sleep could be factored in some way. I can't tell when's the last time I've had a well rested evenin'. Or eaten anything worth stomachin'. I ran outta my eh stash so..lemme pause on that. Can't glorify gettin' blunted up but if it'll help build some kinda appetite then I gotta go for it. My brother told me before I dipped that the twins were born. So I missed that and kinda was sad about it. I'm glad their healthy though. That's all a parent could ask for. Guess I'll be around, not gettin' into any trouble. Hopefully. I'm peaced out.

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voicemail [info]leticia_c [04-09-09@7:03PM ]

Hey its me Ant and alla that. My bust for not hittin' you back soon as I dipped and no I haven't forgotten bout that pay order or whatever else I was suppose to send. But it's...shit is too wild at the moment but one of my homies wanted to know if you were busy tonight I guess. Yanno, Hec'? The one with the big nose and ...lemme stop. That one ladies night you danced for ol' boy and I was too tore' back? Him well yeah. I texted him your digits. Don't be hot at me bout it. He's good peoples though. I gotta handle some shit but I'll fill you in when my head stops swimmin'. Be safe, lady.

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Secret Journal...April 03, 2009 [04-04-09@2:45AM ]
[ mood | displaced ]
[ music | The Sky Might Fall - KiD CuDi ]

...I run again. See happiness is gone again. And then you see 'em, gray clouds up above mane. Metaphor to my life mane...

It was in late July of last year when we first met. Starbucks of all places. Starbucks. I had a thing for the spot when I moved out to Chicago. There was one particular one that I would be holed up in, goin' to town with my blackberry. Workin', blendin' in with the other twenty-somethings who caught their caffiene fix. Not that it ain't hella hard to blend in bein' so small. Hah fuckin' jokes. Something he would prolly say...It was a Sunday I know by heart and it would be one Sunday afternoon I wouldn't forget. How could you? Formally this weird corny ass fool had finally met and it was one of those unexpected run ins, givin' we'd shoot the shit on this forum. Never would think we'd meet in person but it happened. Small world, really. It happened so quick, like a smack in the face into this whole new experience I'd never would have seen myself in. Laxin' over a cup of coffee never went that long, ten minutes, tossed coffee on a batista, and dippin' out later I found myself on the back of a bike haulin' as if one time was on our ass. At the time the only thing I was tryin' to think about was why do the abnormal dudes find their way in my path? Abnormal but unique? The last thing I wanted was to get into trouble in a whole other city let alone with some stranger. Offa that adrenaline rush alone, and in safety of some club's alley, I found myself signin' off on a hand that would be held later down the line. It all started there, and ever since slowly but still in a fast pace a broad just grew attached to someone who I felt was a pig but captivatin' all in the same note. I seen who he really was before he could break from a mask that normally everyone wears. I just held onto mine until it was safe to pull it off. Its still on but halfway...I was comin' around.

It was wild how quick it all happened. I knew from the time at the club when I left nearly takin' a wall out that this shit was gonna be a trip. Whether or not I should've gotten that heated over what happened then cause we were buddies or whatever. Though he was showin' signs I seen before. When a man wants something out of a female, more than what she is willin' to give they feel a certain way. Then me, feelin' a certain way of anger and regret to ever think that this person could just be a friend. That's all I had my head set on at the time. I guess gettin' over that he changed it. It was like he gave me a way to channel my life in a different direction in which I could finally be happy. This was in a short fuckin' time. Soon as you know it, this fool spendin' the night at my spot. Vice versa. Then from there it went to me movin' in. I felt for the first time not alone. There was an odd sense of security with someone I hadn't known that well, and at the same time I was gettin' to know just as well. I could be fine wakin' up watchin' him sleep soundfully as if alla his troubles were muted. The way he held me close to him like I was the only broad that matter, made me wanna stick with him more. Shit like that...I can't think ever happened. And goin' into this, never did I ask for it. Like he always read my subconscious. I listened to his heart as my head always found its way to his chest. On most late nights, that was the most relaxin' shit to hear. I watched a person actually grow up into this man right before my eyes. Knowin' what I seen to now? That's the most wildest shit ever. When it was only us, it was just that. Goin' out in public didn't matter to me after awhile cause I figured it came with the territory but it was a far cry from what I went through before. I don't give a fuck bout public perception. I guess he didn't as well. If it were the case then we'd prolly wouldn't have made it as far.

Then the trips, meetin' some of my siblings, bustin' out with the I love you's, and then the accident. It just never got back to where it should have progressed from. In a short span lives have been shifted, and I wonder if it would have been that way if my ass would have remained where I was? With that, followin' other shit I don't wanna chop up on, then this, and that...it all became too much to handle. One thing after the other, without room to deal with what was goin' on kinda put me in a space where movin' was all that made me feel normal. In the mix somewhere...

The engagement. At that moment, on that evenin' I couldn't have been the happiest. It was just the moment right? After that high died off, then it finally knocked me of it really bein' the end. The end to what, I ain't really positive on. All I could think bout was bein' left some way or the other cause I can't bare no kids. I'm not the typical person to be a wife. I don't even know what that..how that role suppose to go. And what I thought didn't matter, obviously mattered. There were places I wasn't willin' to be stuck with cause I'm stubborn like that. I couldn't see myself bein' entirely dependent on someone like that...then be left alone all over again? So I dealt with this new chapter the only way I knew how. Too bad it all had to happen in the worse part of the year. Guess I found myself closin' off again. Not wantin' to share pain that's still there from alla drama from the end of last and into this year. Did I push him away though? So wrapped up in my own shit, let alone other folk's shit I kinda just...

Started smokin' more again...hangin' out late with folk cause why be home when ain't noboddie there? Ridin' hella late in the city on a bike that could kill me. Compton after work. Losin' sleep cause of nightmares, and stress. Wonderin' if my life is gonna be this controlled shit from then on out. Ridin' dirty and then gettin' knocked for it. It all adds up to behavior I know that shouldn't be done but it was to a point of not givin' a fuck. At some point, I just wanted to feel like I held the reigns for once and live like it was my last cause I nearly faced my last day. The thought of that constantly fucks with my mental. Not cause I'm scared, but cause of alla the other folks who would've been shook by it. There are a few who I know for a fact felt a certain way bout it, includin' Cola. Shit was just spiralin' out of control to the point it curbed what makes me money. I lost an interest in creatin' in the lab. Lacked the drive to sit behind a desk to be a force to help a company out. Felt like nathen was fun no more, it all felt like a job. Til this day it's still like that and how can I fix it? There were more arguments. Then it would blow over. Not this time though. There was plans to go live it up. Get fucked up with my homegirls. That was the plan. I knew he wasn't gonna be home early but he came early and...I admit...

What had me overreact is irrelevant cause..it was just..that's just what you do? I mean how would someone else feel like if they're man had smelled like another bitch, then pretend like that shit ain't nathen? It's like the smallest shit was focused more on rather than why he came home early in the first place. It was only to be with me. Spend some time, we both needed but at that point it wasn't a main focus cause I was on some other shit. I watched how shit just turned for the worse in a blink. Then him packin' up a bag, and leavin'. I underestimated him and was I wrong for havin' an ego to think he wouldn't leave? Wouldn't give me this space as if I didn't know what was best for me? How does he know exactly what's best? That's right, I never gave him the chance to know. That night I never went anywhere but sat at the edge of the bed for hours wondering what happened. Tryin' not to cry and pretend like I was more pissed than hurt, when it was the latter. The ring was stared at for the most part until...

Every night since then it's been cold here. Cold and dead. I have my sister here who has been supportive when I didn't wanna be around no one. Just..I needed to keep busy to not think that it was over. At one point it made me physically ill cause goin' without food and sleep ain't a good look. Then he left a letter of some sort. I didn't know how to even read that shit without growin' wildly mad, then hurt at the same time. A break is considered what? What is that? I know what it is completely and never wanted to be in that place. Not again. Or was it ever like that? I didn't get the point of hidin' behind some other shit when it could've been said to my face. Just as bad as he's wanted here, it's the same for him. Ask me how I know. Now he's in another country, why? This shit is complicated to deal with cause it's out of nowhere or was it destined to be this way from the get? There was usually something tryin' to pry us apart and I guess whatever wanted it won. They won. That's it, right? This is destroyin' my lift on some real shit. I miss him and his corny ass. I miss..gahlee. I don't care what he says, that I didn't drive him away. That's what it is. It's gotta be that. I love him enough, right? Why didn't he see that though?

'Til then I roll. More then I've ever rolled not pills but the mari-ol'

Never would expect to be goin' through shit like this. Bein' up, unable to touch food like I wanna, and smokin' my heart away. That's all I got to help. It just eases the shit, enough that it won't consume. Though I don't wanna walk around with my head bein' choked by a cloud of smoke. What if this space is tellin' me something? How can I go from there? Can I see myself really really walkin' down an aisle one day? There was one day that I nervously found myself in a bridal shop just to see what they had. There was this dress that I thought would have fit me, but I never got the chance to try it on. I dunno why, but it was hella pretty. Then yanno how my mind starts goin'? I started puttin' together what this shit would look like. It would've been small yanno? With..

Never got a chance to tell him. I can't even finish this shit. It's too much...fu-..fuck it..

{ BlackBerry • bold • UD }---> Look it's morning no yawning or nothing.... [03-18-09@2:18AM ]
[ mood | nervous ]
[ music | Fly In ]:[ Hustla Musik - Lil Wang ]

Sup it's me again. Upside down about to fall offa my bed while I type this shit out. Imagine that? One slip and PIYAH! There goes something bruised, broke, or sore. All the blood is rushin' to my head and it don't feel too good. So scootin' back enough that I'm not hangin' off is better. Safer. Smarter. Guess doin' shit against grain is a trend now. With me that is. I don't have a big explanation really other than ...yeah I don't have a big answer for it. It might have some shit to do with bein' in control of your own destiny. As if we all are. We're not really. I don't believe we are cause some shit is just...it just happens. That's the way life is. There was a lot of shit I wanted to chop it up about and felt it was irrelavent to the bigger picture. Or maybe it isn't. Yeah whatever it is I'm talkin' about don't pay it any mind. I'm hella something at the moment and there's no one around, except for two dogs, and a sleeping eight month old lil girl. Dayum. What a life. Shit should change soon when my short trip to NYC comes up. That should be a focus cause there's a process comin' up in pushin' me into a next phase of my career goals. My creative block is fuckin' annoyin' yanno? Like I can't sit in a studio and compose tracks that I know will make the next person be like...ay' this shit here go, homie... That inspiration is blocked, and shit happenin' around me should be enough to go off of but it just ain't there. So maybe it's time to go to phase 2.5. Shh I just called it that cause it sounded wild. My partner and I still be on that team grind and we had our first product come to light through the sounds of Trish. Her disc dropped and is doin' a'ight in the R&B world. Real authentic R&B like it should be but with a twist yanno?

I helped her get shine on a major hip-hop artist's album before she was even signed to a major. What the fuck does that say bout my hustle? It says a lot. So not only can I produce an attire album ( with some help of course ) by myself, I can also give folk a chance to be in a place where they too can shine. Didn't I kind of did that with the lil...eh big ..the homie KO? Right, and since Jesse and I been in contact for a minute I told him let's get on this idea and put it to work. Of course we need the feddie, and the co-signs. It's there just gotta go and get it, underdig? So that's why I'm headin' to the Big Apple to win over some investors. Can't reveal their names though. I wanna but eh, bad business for the moment. So the first idea is this machine I call a community of talented writers and producers who will be able to get the oppertunity that was given to me. Really it's a company right that'll seek out the best of the best to be part of this giant machine. I wanna rely, and give credit to those silenced geniuses out there who might not have the chance like I did. Bring them on board to make this fuckin' feddie. We'll all work collectively in a sense. Say eh..an artist's rep was lookin' for a certain sound? They'll go to this group askin' for this, that, and then some. Right? So Jesse and I would be like oh this is who you need, and this person. Like an agency of sorts. That's the way it makes enough sense. The best of the best to be down yanno?

Then..gahlee. In a way I feel like a pimp for wantin' to help out Alice. She's so much better than bein' a stripper. She really is. And a kind person. Though I know she has more to her. Of course she can photograph wild like. Ask me how I know. I'm hella jealous but eh, right durin' last week when we had the fall/winter 09' campaign for P&P she came through and shut that shit down. Killed most of the hoes ladies on set just by her hunger alone. That shit was hella stressful when things don't go right and you lose money over extended days cause of over budgets, and a model who wanna be diva like. Ho, you not no gatdam Naomi. Anyways I'ma be like my friend's manager in a way. I don't think she'll be doin' videos or no shit like that unless it was very tasteful. Prolly commercials, and magazine spreads yanno? I gotta see about that one but that's the plan. Then maybe I can build offa that and both of us can expand that situation into something just as large as what the production/publishing company will be. Kinda wild? I hope so. She has a good head on her shoulders so the biz shit should be a go. These are the things I don't get a chance to actually speak on cause of dumb shit I get myself into. Then it puts me in a place where if I ain't smart enough....all of it can be gone. So eh I don't wanna talk about what dumbshit happen this weekend except seein' half-naked broads. Then seein' half-naked men. Sorry, it was Van's idea. I didn't know. And naw I didn't touch no one. Well...there was this one dude. GAHLEE! Movin' on.

Seriously though, I kinda feel like I'm tryin' to live out my third childhood. Feels like I've been here before. Maybe I have and destructive behavior put me in a place that wasn't real right. Real...real dark yanno? Wow can't believe I'm bein' open about this but why not? I've noticed how wild shit gets around this time of the year, and sometimes it becomes an excuse to act a certain way. Turn to certain vices in order to eh..I wanna say curb a lot of shit that hasn't been dealt with the way it should have been. I know there are tools that are more positive than takin' bottles to the head or smokin' till you can't see. Take back, I gotta smoke. Sorry brother Darius. The point is that maybe I need to calm my ass down or some shit? I don't know really. I just feel like maybe I won't have the chance to be young when it's all said and done. Then at the same time, if I gotta be like pause on shit and then tryin' to tell someboddie to do the same, how that make me look? Real hypocritical. So I really don't have place to be like don't do this or that. I mean I just don't wanna see...yeah I'll pause there.

(  Privy  )

This stayin' at home shit is gonna have to do for a while until legal shit is straightened out. Dayum I'm bad, huh? Prolly not alla that bad. It's just a shell sometimes. There's a sensitive bein' really on the inside. That's what it seems like. Cause some shit I just get real passionate about when maybe it shouldn't get to me as much. Eh guess that's just some shit folks might not know about. My head is killin' me and this lack of sleep isn't helpin'. Wish I can spark up with the best of them but it's a bad look when lil babies are present. It's bad look in general. Then I'm wonderin' how folk just volunteer me to babysit though? Why can't I be out gettin' tore back on St. Patty's day? Gatdamnit. I prolly don't need no drink anyways. Sorry for folks havin' to see their friend's page littered with my ramblin' bullshit. I'm peaced out.

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{ BlackBerry • bold • UD }---> I sing but the world can’t hear me... [03-15-09@3:55AM ]
[ mood | Soarin'-mode ]
[ music | Heaven At Night - KiD CuDi ]

( ...Have you ever been to heaven at night. Closing your eyes the feeling so right. At first you might see this one bright beam of light. Crutching your soul? Happy unites and feelings take flight. Blinds of the evils you give them no sight. Focus on floatin, your focus is tight. Like you be road ass you safe for a class. To pass in the night. Haave you ever seen the ending so nice. You feel so free like your high as a kite. Like how you feel if you drink some bud light. Followed by Jag'. Models we smile then tilt our heads back. These are a few of the visions I like. Mixed in with light, these are my favorites to dream in the night. This is my heaven at nite... )
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Always Slipping From My Hands... [03-08-09@8:38PM ]
[ mood | Music binge-mode ]
[ music | True - Spandau Ballet ]:[ Genius of Love - Tom Tom Club ]

Lack of sleep is fuckin' weak. This is what I end up doing when there isn't much to get into. Ridin' would be sweet, but I sort of scared myself the other evening. The same feeling of wantin' to give extra gas came over, and I had to stop myself. It's not something I can handle on a Ducati, which is different than the Kawasaki . The specifications, and speed are two different entities. Like how I put that? Eh but yeah prolly should have never went to Compton on that thing. Nor see about a house I'm kinda pissed off about. And...other shit. I guess when you try to be in certain spots, it never goes right. Not as you want it to. I took a break before goin' back to the Hills and thought about what's happenin' around me. Shit is heavy once you take a crack at those hard questions. After laxin' at Mommy's I went to see that spot in Pasadena where I had took that spill. There's a few businesses there, but mostly leads off to a lesser traffic area. Copped a spot on the curb and watched the cars go by. It was wild knowin' how it felt that night. How much of a high it was goin' beyond a fear of soarin' cause there was no fear. Once you have, there's no one way of comin' from it until your body is mangled on the ground unconcious like a broken ragdoll. It didn't take long for the memory to get back to me, and in a way it came to me durin' sleep. I haven't spoken much of it cause folks would just look at me weird. Or prolly don't wanna listen to it. The first time it was scary cause it hits as if you were right there in that moment leading up to it, while, and then the aftermath. You're awake and kinda feel the pain which you don't remember. I get pains still in my neck and shoulder. Some of my joints ache every now and then. I don't understand how in that sleep state, you can sort of feel the major pain.

Is that all a mental thing? Whatever it is, it's not really enjoyable. This shit is wild to me. Gahlee, me bein' out at night ain't the most desirable thing but I do it anyways? It's like I have this thing of bein' fearless knowin' alla shit that can happen. I can't be touched but I know I can but that doesn't stop me. I see it as better than sittin' around in an empty place not doin' much. I lost where this was goin'. Right, sittin' on the curb. And bein' out at night in spots that ain't right for me to be around by myself. There's this stubborn part about me that won't listen to what folks say. It's a rebel thing really. I don't wanna be controlled, when I can't feel control of shit myself. I don't like bein' told what to do or suggested what I should do. Can't stand authority. No one standin' over me sayin' do this and you must do that. No I don't have to. If you don't like it, then you know what to do. Yet I found myself doin' the same thing knowin' I wouldn't wanna be in that same position. It's more of a eh carin' thing? I know folks care and shit but really I'ma be fine. All I know is if I woulda went ahead and played stuntman, the same shit would have happened. Then what? I can lie and say that it's nothin' to be scared about but it is. Doesn't mean I'ma give up ridin' though. I can't. Not when there's so much to learn from it. I still want my own bike posse too. That would be wild. Eh wait, never mind. Don't want one time to think we a gang or some shit.

My point had been lost somewhere but this is me trying to find it again. No one is here right now, and I know why. My sister and neice are gone havin' their life. Cola is gone I guess workin'. He's always gone now. So that leaves me with my dogs. Endo and Precious. They're big babies now. Kinda vicious..eh don't blame that on me. Naw I'm fuckin' around but that's the only company here and it's sad they're lazy as their fuckin' owner. All laid up in the bed sleepin'. Like whaaaa? I don't dig bein' stuck here where no one knows where I am. It's not comfortable for some reason. Too safe? Secluded? That's what I wanted right? Can't remember wantin' that but goin' back home is what's most comfortable no matter how bad it could be. Can't explain that idea to anyone besides those that know what I'm talkin' about. What actually pulls people back to their hometown? I wonder at times if I would have stayed in that house. Never left, never moved away to some place better. Where would I actually be, besides the obvious? At the moment, shit is goin' without stop. Passin' right on without me havin' the chance to flag it down. Like hold the fuck up for a minute? One of those. That's the best way I can describe it really. I kinda seen it comin' but not like this. When I get the time to be still, that's when it begins to get overwhelmin'. Enough to the point where I ..naw. Well I don't know. There's some issues that seem to only have been swept under a rug in order for myself to carry on. Have a life I guess. Not givin' it the power to succumb to it but I can't figure out how long that can last.

When I wrote my father, I asked him hella questions. He's been through a lot and he has answers. I'm hopin' he has answers to my questions cause I can't find them. It could be that they're right in my face but really? Will that help in the end? A lot of problems aren't mine either. Then that I don't know, that need to want to help sets in so I can not think of my own shit. It's like would I be doin' an injustice by stickin' my neck out in the first place? Never had that oppertunity to think about the conflicts I feel will come up. I wanna help the folk that are suppose to be peoples. My family too. In order to do that, shouldn't I be helpin' myself as well? Just a question to ask. I have a lot of questions that it gives me a headache to think about. Is that how most feel when I be askin' them questions? Prolly so. Eh I kinda wanna go swimmin'. Or invite hella folks over to get twisted...party. But that would be fucked up? This spot is too nice for me to be in really. Too big. This is the life right? I guess so. Kinda miss havin' some music to work on but I find myself abandonin' it. Creative block, prolly. Stressful goin' full on into that side, then puttin' in the strength of two to three people with this boutique and lingerie line. I'm kinda lost as where that will lead. It's gettin' redundant now, and not as much fun. Not fun no more. Guess that means it's time to find something else, right? When I think about that, it's not right. Hopefully when my birthday comes, I won't feel this way.

Havin' a party sounds a'ight or club hoppin'. Go to a strip club and dance there. One night only kinda thing. I should get tore back though. Haven't done that in a while. Then again I don't wanna tag no one up. I almost forgot how violent I get when irritated and twisted. Eh, handcuffs. Flashin' lights. Mug shots. Pause on that shit. There's no idea of what to do, I'll just treat it as another day. Go find some shit to knit like a square does. That's what wives do right? Right..fuck I look like knittin'? Square biz, homie. I'll prolly go chill at the cemetary that day. Visit my brother. Morbid but that's the only way that I can visit him. Sad shit. Wish he was here helpin' me figure shit out. Gahlee, he is missed. I'm goin' to New Yark...eh New York next week. Don't miss me too much. I'm peaced out with this playlist.
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[03-02-09@7:58PM ]

(  Written letter to Anthony ``Daddy`` Rodgers  )

{ BlackBerry • bold • UD }---> The Future Is Non-existent... [02-24-09@11:01PM ]
[ mood | Uncertain... ]
[ music | Bad News - Kanye West ]:[ I Can't Go For That - Hall & Oates ]

Sittin' up in the tub with this BlackBerry I feel like Rev Run and I'm about to give the lesson or advice for the day. Though, what I look like givin' out advice when I need some my damn self? Its hard just goin' to someboddie and askin' them this and that. Some folk make it seem like its a friend's dilemma so they won't get looked at funny or get that pity shit put on. Yanno like, I got a friend who's..whatever the case may be. I wonder how many folk do that? I wonder how many folk are able to pour their hearts out to complete strangers? I find it weird that I go to odd places and strike up convos with folk like I know them. They be guarded most times cause durhh you talkin' to a stranger but these people often times have stories that you wanna know about. You wanna find some kinda relation to their life and yours. If there isn't any relation to it, you wanna feel like there could be a link by holdin' some kinda sympathy. Well I did that not too recently. Goin' to a Gentleman's club is out of place for me. One I don't like broads like that, two you start to think that the broads in there that are filled with plastic or not are better than you visually, three, I haven't figured out the third one yet. I'm getting there. There was this one broad that goes by Alice.

She's this amazon broad who I thought looked so flawless. Hella pretty. Yanno if some dude woulda seen her? They would prolly think she was heaven sent. Though she's tarnished on the inside, which proved to me looks can be decievin'. I ain't gonna put her on blast but wanted to mention how she just automatically opened up to me and in that settin'. I never understood how it can be easier to do that but I guess it comes with the territory that maybe she just didn't have anyone that would listen. The old nasty men in there don't care what she goes home to every night. They don't wanna know why she has to work that type of job. They really can care less about her life outside of that place. I guess makin' friends seemed like an a'ight idea cause oddly enough we had shit in common. So instead of tryin' to convince her to come thru at this castin' for a photoshoot, I asked if she wanted to chill. That I did yesterday cause there was some shit that hurt me to the core. I asked her one question, not even she could give me an answer to it.

(  Privy  )

Eh..so right I told folk bout this lady I met at the clinic. The one who was in there without her eh signifigant other tryin' to continue all possible options of tryin' to get pregnant and be successful with it. I guess I wanna say that shit was false. There was no one like that there. I just imagined it was me like that in say ten years from now. That's where my head went when I sat in that chair after being seen. Kinda..yanno felt like it would lead to that one of these days. Tryin' all kindsa procedures even when they failed one right after the other. I don't wanna go through that shit really. So I guess when the times come to settle down and I start thinkin' bout it, gotta suck it up and be like this is the shit that the Big Homie said will happen. I don't believe in a lotta that modern medicine shit cause there's some couples who try for years and nathen. They don't have nathen but medical bills, and heartache to show for it. I guess adoptin' would be a'ight but how do you love a child that ain't come straight from you? Weird shit I question a lot. Lemme...dayum. I'ma pause again. Can't really talk about it no more. Not now.

I got to hang out with folk besides Alice. Van wanted to play Oprah but ain't get too far with it. She chill to chop it up with. At least she the only one who digs my bowl cut. Guess I've been called back to go in the studio with Diddy for another try. Though if that big mouth ma'fucka bitches again? I ain't doin' it cause he a pain in the ass to work with. I wanna be hella rude and say I hope his LP flops but that's fucked up. So no. Eh then yanno shit at the boutique is comin' along. Gotta head some photoshoots comin' up. I should look forward to it cause of the work involved. I wanna move up in that company and be one of the designers. That would be hella sweet. One can only dream the shit up. And yanno..folk might get hot about my sister choppin' my hair off. I was kinda pissed cause she cut it shorter than I wanted it to be, but what the fuck? You only live once, and it'll grow back. I hope. If not I won't have no more hair. Sorry Coca Cola. Now you gotta fuck with a boy in a skirt. I heard you liked that shit secretly anyways. Lemme stop though cause it ain't funny. Eh...I'm peaced out with a flick.

(  Made over up @ Cicada ho!  )
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{ BlackBerry • Bold • UD }--- Strap Into Your Mind... [01-29-09@1:58PM ]
[ mood | Laxin-mode ]
[ music | Everywhere ft. Martina Topley-Bird - Common ]

Folk are prolly sick of seein' long ass entries on their friend's page but I can give a fuck. Like usual guess this is just me tryin' to express myself to feel better. One thing people know is that us as humans aren't perfect. Its a known fact. You could wish it were so, but then this world would be awfully borin'. Yanno, folk make mistakes. Cause problems. Stir shit up to make their life interestin' but it don't be intentional unless some shit was wrong with them. If we make mistakes its possible to redeem ourselves once someone allows us to do so. I've seen it countless times and been part of it myself. It opens up your eyes how people work. A process in order to be a better person. Not only to yourself but to others that must matter. I wanna personally think those that gave me some insight on the question asked. It helped me weigh out some options as to moving forward with this funny thing we call life. When I came to the decision to yanno feel like a few things were worth fixin' I looked at the bigger picture rather than selfish need. To me there's much to fix. I have fam, some friends, and a boyfriend that I wanna be the best person I could be for them.

If they can work with me that is. That's all I ask cause yanno, I'm not perfect. Nothin' never really is either. Another thing I wanted to chop it up about was my livin' situation. I was asked about whether or not I want to stay in Chicago. Since been asked that I've been thinkin' do I really wanna stay? So faded with shit back in L.A. durin' the time there, I really just wanted to leave. It was me dealin' with inner shit and puttin' it on the place I thought didn't want me there. I just grouped situations, past and present with the best home I knew. Holdin' that shit to myself made it worse until the chance finally came for me to let it go and see shit for what it was. I got fam there that prolly need me more than they let on. Yeah most of them are grown but they miss a part of me that used to always have them in line. Guess I mentioned that. I got a pops who can't leave the place he's in and me bein' at a distance is not helpin' him when I'm one half of his survivin' children. I got a wild ass homegirl who stays cussin' me cause I'm always mobile, not wantin' to stay still. Of course I got an old friend who showed me some shit that I can't even express with words. Bein' one minded when I left in the first place cost me prolly one of best things to slip through my palms. Forget bout the linesteppin' and alla other shit. I'm talkin' bout the core, where it all started. That thing, which looked as if it was taken for granted or worse didn't seem like I cared much about was what I had always wanted.

The simple shit that held no complications. Yeah I'll admit that things shouldn't have been crossed in the first place but it happened and I learned a lot, especially how to be an adult about shit. Can't blame much of my lack of childhood on my actions or how to treat people you care for as if you really do. I was fucked up with that and used every excuse to do so. Yeah I loved once, and fell from it cause I thought what I thought. Didn't have the heart to do it hard like I had always preached and that's prolly what caused certain folk to feel like they do. I guess this is a new day and I'm tryin' to make it that way, not for myself but for those that I really want in my corner. Just work with me, underdig?

(  Privy to Hec'  )

Dayum this shit is gettin' longer the more I write but I blame it on the scene. There's one more thing I need to address but I'll do it after I say this. Brother Darius. I know I gotta get to church and shit but gatdamnit! I really don't wanna go to church. That one pastor be killin' me with his afro hair piece. Remember when I went with you for the first time and that nigga's top was slippin' offa his head? I had to slip to the bathroom cause his sermon would have been interupted with my loud ass laugh. I'm sorry but that shit was pure comedy and his wife....you..someboddie need to get her for that shit she call a dress and her hats don't gotta be that damn circus inspired. What the fuck kinda church? Naw, but I gotta thank you for givin' me some of those good convos even if I wanna be like fuck this, homie. I do what I do. It helps and I know you mean this shit as a brother. When them babies come along I'ma be there with my cam filmin' you all laid out from Vanessa breakin' your hands. Two lil ones. That's a blessin' right there. Real up. Ya'll inspire me to convince Cola to have like 8 kids. ROFLMAO! I'm fuckin' around. Sheiiit. I'll see ya'll soon too.

(  Privy to Cola  )

A'ight I'll send folk postcards and dolla bills with it. If you don't like it, then you know what to do. I'm tryin' not to be vulgar with mine and tell folk to eat dicks. That's not nice I was told. Not lady like but oh well. I know some of ya'll hos gonna be in Tampa for the Superbowl. Send me some pictures! Or ehh jockstraps so I can auction them shits off on ebay. Iew nevermind. I'd like a jersey though. Can't go wrong with that, right? Wish I had some bud right now but they might ban me from the beach or worse lock me up. Can't have my record extended...eh. I'ma press stop. I'm peaced out.

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Forty-nine Days and Countin', Homie... [01-26-09@3:04AM ]
[ mood | Wonderin'... ]
[ music | Something Foul - Nas ]

Forty-nine days. Forty-nine days were counted since I have been here in L.A. Everything is archived in my head and won't burn up so easily as if it were on paper. That's the thing about thoughts. You can forget about them, push them away and let it marinate for a minute. But that shit will come back someway. Things trigger it. Just like one little thing can trigger you into going into panic mode. I'm chill offa that shit so no need worryin'. Not a great feelin' I've come to realize and so aren't other things. Yeah but I've been here for a minute and never planned my stay to be this long. The only reason why I haven't left as soon is cause of doc's orders. I mean I go to physical therapy just about everyday. I get the gettin' with the check ups and yeah it wasn't enough really. Not for the more sensitive subjects at hand. I feel like maybe the accident was the main reason why I'm still here. It's the obvious reason but yanno how the Big Homie makes ways for other shit to happen. Even if you not ready for it, it's gonna happen eventually. I apologize to those who I said would see me soon back in the Chi. Shit is holdin' me back and it's always something. Always it's gotta be some shit. Sam tried to talk to me a lot since the accident and bond I guess. We kinda got on a straight page months ago. Put alla our fucked up feelings towards one another to the side since it seemed petty at the end of the day. I learned a lot about what family was about when no one was wanted in the hospital, even post.

I guess she wanted to understand how I was dealin' with that, plus other shit she witnessed. It wasn't for her to do so, but it made me see she appreciated me bein' back here. I know how it was when I was gone for alla those months. She told me. It was like she had been misguided for a minute bein' a new mom, while livin' under my roof. I hadn't been around to tell her what to do and alla this other shit that she had been used to for years. Alla of us were scattered for a minute and I got used to it. Then at the same time missed it. I don't like the idea that tragedy brings folk together, cause it shouldn't have to be that. Not when everyone is half worried that their siblin' was fixin' to join their other fam that has passed on. I'd prolly head to hell though in gasoline drawls. I'm fuckin' around. Right now though, Rodney is kinda distant. I mean I can prolly try to understand why but it might have to do with the house situation, and whatever else he dealin' with in his personal life. I really don't want him to slip again and fall back into the penal system. I know how he can get even in the age he is. Says a lot when I speak on the two who I thought didn't want shit to do with me at one point. I still need to chop it up with him before I leave, let him know that he's gonna be good soon, and that he's appreciated fully.

I don't wanna mention the young ones cause I don't know really. They have their education and on 'Nel's behalf, her other family to worry on. It's hard on them prolly. Prolly not. They'll get over it right? Rigghhhht. That's fucked up to say though. It is cause you don't know how folk cope with certain shit. They have their ways to do so but it ain't the best way sometimes. Or it ain't the best way for that particular person. What I'm tryin' to get at is that my ways of copin' isn't the best. Nor is it ways to solve any problems I have. or ones shared. Runnin' away doesn't always work but havin' some alone time does for me. Enough that it gives me time to think shit thoroughly and try to look at it for what it is or was. One word of advice. Never sneak into someone else's property to chill. You might get citated by one time. Or worse, folk just might think you really lost it.

(  Privy  )

It's gettin' chilly on this balcony, but I wanted to lax back out here so I could find my way with words. Not the best at them but when I try I try for it. I wish sometimes I was talented in that way. Bein' poetic with my words and paint shit that way, but alla I got is my music to fill that in. Yeah I can draw but that ain't where my talent rests. There's more, yanno? Lookin' down at the ground isn't far. I wanna jump off and into the bushes hopin' I don't break shit. That be wild, though. Don't...no one think no other shit. Cause I'm on the second floor not the eighth one or the roof. Lemme stop thinkin' on wild shit to do. That's how I ended up where I am now. Just like a dayum boy. Thought I'd grow outta this shit but it just got ignited. The bike ridin'...c'mon. The thing is, I never got the chance to do it. Big boy shit, but I'm a broad. A so called fragile one at that. Don't let me size fool you. It's that fuckin' complex talkin'. Maybe I should work on that as well? Too much shit to work on. Lemme work on goin' to sleep. I hope Cola gets back soon. I'm peaced out.

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[01-22-09@11:17PM ]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | I'll Be In The Sky - B.O.B. ]

( ...I was a man with no name, now im attributing mo' fame. But all of this ain't gonna matter when I die and say good bye so long. Sayonara I'll have to catch you tomorra baby cause baby, I'll be in the sky. I'll be there. Ooh all right... )
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